Sarcastic Art Review Fun Time

So I was going to do a Medici Cyclepost, the series which has lain dormant for over a year now like a hibernating grizzly bear, waiting for the opportunity to emerge from the cavernous depths and claw your eyes out in a rage of colorful brushstrokes and curvaceous women. But when I was searching for a good copy of the next painting in the story, I got distracted by this other work by Rubens.

The Feast of Venus – Peter Paul Rubens, 1636-37 (Source)

The Feast of Venus – everyone frolicks about, worshipping and adoring a statue!

…Although I must say, for the Goddess of Love and Beauty, I think she could use some sleep and maybe a facial.

There is the obligatory sexytime going on around the fringes…

So sexy.

…and some couples making out that I really wish weren’t.

Brings new meaning to breathily whispering “Oh, baby.”

Not all of the revelers look happy to be there, however.

Run for your life!

I’m not sure whether she’s just tripped and is in the process of falling, or if she is about to plunge her hand into that tambourine and rip out its heart.

Most of the baby-cupids are pretty involved in the naked frolicking, but some of them have better things to do.

Glad I’m not the only one who feels like I need a cold shower after seeing this.

I’m not sure whether he’s rinsing off in the waterfall or vomiting. Either way, it’s been a wild party.

While many of the cupids have interesting expressions on close inspection, this one has to be my favorite.

Emperor Palpatine, Age 2.

If I were at this gathering I would not stand under the floral display he's holding. And would have someone else taste everything before me. And would bring a taser.

I think these remarkably clothed women missed the memo about what kind of a party this was going to be.

So when you said there might be toys involved, you didn’t mean dollies?

They try to tempt the wee ones to purity and wholesomeness with their offer of 17^th-century Barbies, but the kids are all, “Screw that! We’re busy with naked dancing.”

Finally, the most disturbing detail of this picture is tucked away at the bottom, amidst the flowers and fruit strewn about everyone’s feet.

It wouldn’t be a proper orgy without a bit of head, I guess.

Why is an old man’s head, empty eye sockets staring soullessly, lying around at a rollicking celebration of Venus??

Oh wait, I think I have the answer to that.

Dear readers, after a glut of pious and/or fleshy works, I thought I would challenge myself to snark about some paintings which A) are not obviously religious and B) feature no naked people. I realize this will not be a popular post, since the top two search terms of all time that bring people here are “naked men” and “guardian angels,” but sometimes one must stretch beyond one’s comfort zone for art.

At first I thought I would write something about this:

A Polish Nobleman – Rembrandt van Rijn, 1637

I love this guy. He is so fabulous. Few men I know can rock a giant pearl drop earring like him. But then he gave me this look:

As if to say, “Jestem smutny, że kpić moją wspaniałą kulturę.” Which is what Google Translate tells me is Polish for “I am sad you mock my glorious culture.” Although for all I know, it could be anything. For example, "Just smut, the pic of my Spanish cult style."

So then I thought I would try this one:

Workmen before an Inn – Isack von Ostade, 1645

It’s basically like 17^th century Dutch Thomas Kinkade, but with more dogs fighting over scraps and disabled beggars hobbling through the romantic, softly glowing streets.

It was a bit dry otherwise though. So, ultimately I decided to present you with this:

Four Seasons in One Head – Giuseppe Arcimboldo, c. 1590

The person I was with at the gallery when I first saw this was like “Why are you recoiling at a still life of fruit and sticks?” and I went “DON’T YOU SEE IT IS A TERRIFYING WARTY TREE MAN” and she went “AHHHHH” and then neither of us could eat cherries ever again because they might have been plucked from an old toothless tree man’s earwax.

Although I give him kudos for the rockin’ grass-and-floral islandwear.

All images are from the National Gallery of Art.

Imagine you’re a 16^th century painter. People come to you and commission work. But sometimes, the subject just doesn’t inspire you. You get a little bored. So maybe you decide to entertain yourself a bit.

Take this guy, for instance.

Portrait of a Gentleman – Bartolomeo Veneto, c. 1520

At a glance, it’s just a portrait of a slightly sad, slightly bored-looking guy with a penchant for poofy sleeves and draping as many dead animal skins over himself as possible.

But what’s that going on outside?

It that a robbery in progress? Has there been a ride-by lancing? Is this 16^th-century foreplay? Why doesn’t the guy in the foreground notice what is going on right outside his window? Is his moping that intense?

Ok, so painting random dudes is something you do to make rent. Painting the Madonna and Child must be a passionate act of devotion, right?

Madonna and Child with the Infant Saint John – Attributed to Yáñez de la Almedina, c. 1505

Just look at that Disney-princess-like Mary! And such an adoring baby Jesus, who may or may not be about to strangle young St. John the Baptist! Heck, even St. John looks happier than I thought he was ever allowed to be depicted.

…and then there’s the alcoholic intervention going on behind them. George there apparently snuck off to indulge in a private flagon of wine, but his best friend Steve rushes to the scene to ask him to think of the kids, and remind him that he promisedMelissa this wouldn’t happen again.

Right. Everyone paints the Madonna and Child. It’s like a rite of passage. Let’s take on a less well-trodden Bible passage. Something with all the drama of relying purely on faith to survive!

Elijah Fed by the Raven – Giovanni Girolamo Savoldo, c. 1510

God sends a message to Elijah to go hide in a valley, noting that He ordered some ravens to feed him. Sure enough, every day a raven brings him an English muffin well-seasoned with raven spit.

You can have an Egg McMuffin over my dead offspring’s bodies.

Miracle or no, Elijah seems to relish the idea of eating the same thing every day as much as anyone.

I would kill for burrito grande right about now.

But the thing is, while Elijah is staring forlornly at his next meal via Raven-o-gram, there is literally a chariot soaring through the sky behind him.

Everyone else around has stopped what they are doing to point and say, “OH MY GOD!!”

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…wait, what is Apollo doing east of the Jordan?

The moral of the story: no matter how creative or artistic your job, doodling in the margins is always more entertaining than what you’re supposed to be doing.

All images are from the National Gallery of Art.

“Allegory:” I believe this is a code word artists use for their work when they got drunk one night and painted the first thing that came into their heads/sculpted something horrific/trashed some furniture and had to explain it to their roommate.

This pair of paintings by Italian artist Lorenzo Lotto does little to persuade me otherwise.

First: The Allegory of Virtue and Vice.

Allegory of Virtue and Vice – Lorenzo Lotto, 1505

So, if you live a life of vice, you might die in a shipwreck, but you will have had so much wine that you will not care. You get a lush field of grass to recline in, fresh grapes, and when you have to vomit, you get a bucket made of solid gold.

If you live a life of virtue, you will crawl around in a barren wasteland of dirt and rocks naked, striving to do something useful with your meagre means.

Ultimately a colony of bats will seize you and dump you into what appears to be an erupting volcano.

The Allegory of Chastity is even simpler.

Allegory of Chastity – Lorenzo Lotto, c. 1505

On close inspection, I assume he’s supposed to be scattering flowers over her pure form. But my first impression at a glance was: Living a chaste life is like getting pissed on by a smug cherub.

Not sure this is supposed to be the take-away message. Moral lessons were never my strong point.

All images are from the National Gallery of Art.

So the other day, I said to myself, “You know, self, you haven’t reviewed a freaky painting of hellish torture in ages.”

So then, because I hadn’t had any nightmares in a while, I looked up some Hieronymus Bosch paintings. In the end, however, it was this copy of a painting of the Last Judgment by German Renaissance painter Lucas Cranach the Elder (modeled after Bosch) that jumped out at me as being particularly special. As the post title subtly suggests, it’s also not for the faint of heart, so to give those who don’t appreciate images of people impaled on trees and dancing demon heads a chance to leave, here is a picture of an adorable hedgehog with a raspberry.

Source

Have we gotten rid of all the people who prefer tastefulness and a balanced mental state? Good. Here we go.

The Last Judgment – Lucas Cranach the Elder, c. 1524 (Source)

Ok, so there is a lot going on here. Way too much here to look at every detail, so we’ll just look at some highlights.

First off, here is Jesus, busy judging people.

But the disciples are more interesting, huddling and covering their faces in terror. The guy on the right gestures to the scene below and says to his companion, “Good heavens, I knew judgment would be rough, but I didn’t realize it would involve scimitar-wielding demons wearing laundry baskets and UGG boots!”

Really, Mr. Scimitar Laundry Basket is the least of the sinful soul’s worries at the end times. After all, you might be trussed up like a pig, shot with an arrow by an anthropomorphic platypus, and hauled off to be roasted as the supper of two heads with feet but no torsos, arms, or legs.

One of them looks like it really wants to be a thief in a role-playing game, and the other is turning up to Hell’s Butterfly Cosplay Contest straight from his job as a demonic chimneysweep.

Of course, for the gluttons, judgment has a perpetual stream of piss funneled from a barrel directly into your mouth. So pretty much like a beer bong of Bud Light. For the more refined taste, in the back a lady-demon is juicing a person into tasty Blood Wine. Also, a soulless head wearing a helmet rides a booted seal to steal a plate of lizards. Because JUDGMENT.

Not everything is terrible in the end times. You might just meet some fun folks.

Like this lady, flirting with that attractive lizard man to the dulcet sounds of a monkey on a mandolin and a demon with a very flexible neck tooting his own horn, so to speak. Another naked person reclines on a platform, getting a massage. I’m not sure about the head with lizard feet and tail, a hat stolen from the seven dwarves, and out-of-control ear gauges. He doesn’t seem to approve of the music.

Not all mandolin-players are friendly towards amorous couples, however. This creature, who gets arms but no head for a change, successfully interrupts sexy fun times with a more sinister impaling. Meanwhile, a man simultaneously gets his arm sawed off and tickled by bird tongue in the armpit, all while skewered on a tree which may or may not be on fire. Also, in the back, a remarkably calm-looking man in a skillet gets fried up for brunch. This is presumably to feed all the demons, who will be hungry after a hard morning of torturing souls.

Other creatures that are hungry? This lion-hat, swallowing a fish whole. If lion hats are not your style, you might consider a stork helmet, or the popular Blindfolded Decapitated Head on a Plate look. To be sure to be classified as a Hell Fashionista, all should be accentuated with a roadkill frog on a shield.

Another stylish accessory option is to get Viserys’ Crown Treatment from the Creepy Blue Babushka Jewelers.

Other exciting activities during the judgment include a delightful Hell-light Gallows Whale Cruise, which offers fantastic views of the festivities….

…Or getting fitted with the latest Horseshoes for Humans. Which I guess are just shoes. Except hammered into your heels. Also, you can get a new torso smelted, or the popular Butthole Enlargement with a Hot Spike treatment.

Still, all of these involve a lot of work on the part of the demons. Isn’t there some way of punishing people with minimal effort on the part of Hell’s Hordes?

Welcome to the People Pulverizer 3000! Powered by enslaved souls running in hamster wheels lined with spikes, just feed other souls into the funnel, and quickly and easily grind them into convenient Sinner Pulp. Excellent for hippies who enjoy recycling and making sure to use every part of the sinner.

I leave you with the image that caught my eye first:

I know that the book of Revelation mentions dragons and three unclean spirits like frogs that appear, but must have missed the part where a suicidal firebreathing lizard slices open its own neck while hissing at a man drowning in a barrel full of blood and frogs.

On that note, have a great weekend!

So, uh…I kind of let this series die. Much like Marie let her husband die hours after her coronation. But now I am coming at it with the Defibrillator of Derision, to resuscitate the wonder that is the hubris of Marie de’ Medici. For the earlier installments, see here.

So, the last time we checked in with the Queen of Hearts (Which May or May Not Be Stabbed), she had just taken the reins from her suddenly deceased husband. Eagles shot lightning, snakes breathed fire, and bare-bosomed personifications of France frolicked.

The next painting, “Council of the Gods,” does not actually feature Marie. Although with a title like that, doubtless Marie would have thought she fit right in.

Instead, it focuses on the Greek gods, lounging around and chatting in various states of undress. I think more councils should take this policy. I mean, they tell you in public speaking to envision everyone in the audience naked – imagine how much more confidence everyone would have if it were true!

The exception to the happy lounging theme here is over on the right, with these miserable-looking fellows being run out of town.

According to the oracle that is Wikipedia, these represent “vices such as Discord, Hate, Fury, and Envy” who are being "overcome" by Apollo and Pallas. Frankly, I don’t know why they look so afraid of their attackers. After all, they are armed with torches and snakes, which seem like they would be far more effective at such short range than their assailants’ weapons.

Apollo comes at them with a bow, looking more like he’s offering it to them than attacking them. I must observe that for the god of the sun, he is EXTREMELY pale. I guess in his line of work he uses SPF 1,000,000? Also, at first glance I thought that Pallas’ weapon of choice here was a wildly brandished mop.

Meanwhile, Venus tries to distract Mars with the promise of sexytime with the goddess of love and beauty, but we can all see to which glowing, nude figure Mars’ gaze is drawn.

So yeah, this one is considered “one of the least understood” paintings in the Marie de’ Medici cycle, presumably because it does not feature Marie de’ Medici.

This flaw is fixed in the next painting.

In “The Regent Militant: The Victory at Jülich,” there is no doubt left to the imagination as to who is the most important person in the universe. She’s all like, “I am the QUEEN of FRANCE, bitches.”

Unfortunately she is mistaken in her choice of terminology, because of course that is not a female dog in her entourage, but rather a male lion. And frankly, I am far more impressed by the somewhat demure lady patting the lion than I am by the queen on her horse. If there is one thing we have learned from art, it is that being saddled up will not protect you from an attack of big cats.

The last detail I’ll observe here is this guy, playing a horn:

The Wikipedia description says that “Fame in the right side of the painting pushes air through the trumpet so powerfully that a burst of smoke comes out.” I take this to mean that her fame, like most, was primarily blowing smoke.

All images found here.

The Environmental Protection Agency: that bastion of protecting the land, water, and air, insofar as it is not more profitable to do otherwise. It turns out their building is pretty dramatic, too. It’s not so much green as it is “hulking stone.” Now you, too, can experience its wonder and majesty through the power of my crummy photography.

A series of faces lines the border of the building. Some of them seem to be related to crops, like this corn-lord….

With a face that says, if you try to turn me into high fructose corn syrup one more time, I will ram my cob up some orifices you will find unpleasant

Or his girlfriend, the Dame of Wheat.

Part Harvest Goddess, part Princess Leia, all vacant eyes that will steal your soul

Some of them are more concerned with animals. Here a man with epic facial hair wears a stylish lion hoodie.

Lions: No. 1 Animal Concern in the U.S.

Or this man, who is adorned with…I want to say an angry Bulbasaur.

Did you know that due to their popularity in bloodsports, the Pokemon is a highly endangered species?

There are more detailed vignettes adorning the top of the building, that almost invariably involve naked people using large animals as lounge chairs.

You can lounge naked on a bull.

Or on a horse. Perhaps you would enjoy having an eagle stroke your rod while doing so.

My personal favorite is this lady lounging on a hippocampus, a.k.a. mer-horse.

Note the creature’s shocked and indignant expression as she gently caresses his tail.

I say, madam! Some decency, please.

The dolphins are getting the heck out of dodge before things get out of hand.

The central image combines these elements and more: naked bull lounging, naked horse lounging, an eagle eying up a torch for nuzzling potential, a half-dressed lady ready to start some forest fires, and a naked male that is either a dwarf or an extremely well-developed young boy.

Perhaps the latter highlights the benefits of overconsumption of hormones in food and water?

The Nativity is one of those things that gets painted a lot. Key elements usually include Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph (maybe – as foster dad, he’s kind of ignored sometimes), and some combination of wise men, shepherds, angels, or animals.

The Nativity – Perino del Vaga, 1534

As far as paintings of the nativity go, I quite like this one by Perino del Vaga. It’s full of motion without being too busy, the figures are smooth, and there is lots of pretty color. However, it takes a bit of a creative perspective of who was at the birth of Jesus.

First off, we have Adult John the Baptist. Baby John the Baptist is often pictured with Baby Jesus, or the adult versions of both, but the adult-baby combo is less common. St. John was known for going around wearing a garment of camel’s hair, often worn as a symbol of mourning or penance, and generally thought to be pretty uncomfortable. Del Vaga’s St. John seems to prefer a silk ensemble with mink lining.

But he’s got nothing on this guy.

I’m not immediately positive who this is supposed to be, so we’ll call him St. Flamboyant. I think his raiment was designed to be visible from space. He seems to be pointing and commenting snidely to his companion at the lack of finery of one of the other attendants of Young Christ: St. Target Practice.

This is St. Sebastian. Wikipedia’s sidebar information on him has a list of his Attributes: “Tied to a post, pillar or a tree, shot by arrows, clubbed to death.” This could also be a list of “Things I would not like to be remembered for.” He seems pretty spry for someone with half a dozen arrow punctures oozing lifeblood everywhere, though. Side note: in a delightful bit of Catholic irony, he is also the patron saint of archers.

The best part of this painting, though, is baby Jesus himself.

I can’t tell whether he is having a seizure, or if he is an exceptionally young prodigy of the disgusted eyeroll normally not perfected until the teenage years. It's as if he's saying, "Just stop adoring me and leave me alone already. This is so EMBARRASSING."

Look at this statue and tell me what you see.

No sculptures were harmed in the making of this sculpture.

If you thought, “JESUS CHRIST! THOSE BABIES JUST BEHEADED A DUDE!!” then you are not alone.

It turns out that it is an allegorical representation of painting and sculpture, by Jean-Pierre-Antoine Tassaert, a Flemish sculptor well known for having far too many first names. The problem with allegorizing sculpture in a sculpture is that you can’t tell what is supposed to be the sculpture-in-sculpture. It doesn’t help that the product is not, say, a full human form, or even a bust. Who sculpts a decapitated head by itself?

That expression suggests the terror of one about to meet his maker. Although in this case, I suppose that’s not far off. I would be terrified to learn my maker was a kid with a hammer poised over my skull, too.

Another nativity quickie:

The Adoration of the Shepherds – Giovanni Girolamo Savoldo, 1530s

My main concern with this one is that these shepherds don’t look to be adoring him so much as huddling around him for warmth. I do not know much about babies, but I am pretty sure if they are glowing and radiating enough heat to warm your hands, you should probably be taking them to the doctor.

Also, the little vignette in the background where the angel appears to the shepherds to say “Oy! Go see this baby!” kind of looks like heaven is about to rain divine fire or lasers down on these unsuspecting people.

Fortunately after pissing themselves in fear, there is a cracklin' baby fire waiting for them to dry off.

Another quick one this week. Many moons ago I brought to you the touching image of Jesus bringing pizza to souls stuck in limbo. Well, it turns out that picture was a part of a series of paintings on Jesus’ life, post-life, and after-life shenanigans. And apparently besides flattening Satan with a garage door, his hobbies included squashing people with giant marble slabs.

The Resurrection– Benvenuto di Giovanni, c. 1491 (Source)

Now, I guess I missed the part of the resurrection story where, upon Jesus’ triumphant return from kicking demonic booty, he murders a legion of Roman soldiers standing guard around his tomb.

The little-known fate of Naughtius Maximus, Sillius Soddus, and Biggus Dickus.

Random aside – I was unaware that Roman swords were designed for giants. What is that on the purple guy’s pommel, an apple? I don’t think he could grip it even if his arm weren’t on backwards.

Anyway, I think that Mary and the other ladies might have had more to say about their tomb visit if they had to reach it by picking their way across a field of broken bodies, limbs dangling in all directions. “Hey guys! Disciples! Jesus is back – AND THIS TIME HE’S PISSED OFF!!”

He looks a bit tired, with some 72-hours-in-hell shadow, but still more than badass enough to take on half a dozen soldiers, armed only with a high-end kitchen counter.

One day, I was walking by Lafayette Square near the White House. There were a number of statues scattered around. Statues are fairly ubiquitous in the area, usually featuring slightly pompous, noble-looking men, sometimes with naked ladies and/or eagles. So I didn’t pay them much mind as I strolled, until I glanced up and realized these particular statues offered so much more.

Like this one. “Commemoration,” it says. It raises a number of questions. Commemoration of what? The time that dude with the flowing locks and bulging pecs engaged in bondage play with the young, nubile pool boy under the trees? Isthat a man? Or is it a woman with a steroid problem?

Here we have a badass lady, who is clothed for once. She is accompanied by an eagle who is clearly trying to cop a feel. However, this is one bird who knows how to handle her birds, as she says, “Touch my ass ONE MORE TIME and I will liberate your head from your neck.”

Finally, this was the one that first caught my eye. Unfortunately it also had the worst lighting, but you get the idea.

Now, I have never been in the military, but I confess that I had a slightly different mental image of what Military Instruction entails. This seems to be a man saying, “All right, boy. Take all your clothes off and get over here, so I can show you how to handle your sword.”

I imagine the sculptor had submitted this design as a sarcastic joke, and then someone in the commissioning committee was like, “YES! This is exactly how to encapsulate the raw intimacy of teaching military skill, and the rush of learning to thrust your weapon into another man!” And thus art was made.

Happy Labor Day weekend! I thought that for the occasion I would feature some early union/anti-union posters, but had a hard time finding quite what I was looking for. In the process of searching, though, I found the following. Let us observe a snapshot of the socialism/capitalism debate a century ago.

First up: an industrial unionist poster from 1911.

(Source)

The Pyramid of the Capitalist System! Look at those hard workers at the bottom there. Do you know how difficult it is to frolick so delicately with a hammer?

Of course, some people are just idle layabouts.

So what if you’re 8 years old? That’s no excuse for passing out after a measly 10 hour day at the mill! Look, your laziness is making that other little girl support society with a shovel.

Somewhat ironically, the “Eating” class doesn’t have any food on the table. Plenty of booze, though. The shooting people look more equipped for stabbing would-be social climbers than shooting anything – I’m not sure about the effectiveness of a cannon at the necessary angle.

Interestingly, there is an equal number of religious charlatans and rulers (darned trinitarianism!), so in this case the lower tier has more luxurious space. Cooler capes and robes, too.

Ok. Good effort, socialist unionist propaganda. But you have made a critical error. This poster expects the viewer to take in, like, five whole categories of societal representation. And it has over two dozen words. You have greatly overestimated the attention span of the population.

1909 Conservative Party poster, show us how it is done.

(Source)

Socialism is a DEMON MONKEY FROM HELL that will STRANGLE THE WOMEN. The end.

I was excited to discover recently that the Dutch Rijksmuseum has a massive digitized collection, which has several convenient pre-sorted collections by artist, style, story, etc. I was even more entertained to see that one of the subject sub-categories they offer under the “Daily Life” heading is “Immoral Women.”

Ah ha, I thought to myself. SARFT gold mine SCORE. I immediately clicked it open, and was treated to the image of this brazen hussy.

Mary Magdalene, Jan van Scorel, c. 1530

This is the very first picture in the lineup. I mean, I guess she is fingering that ointment jar somewhat alluringly, but otherwise I have seen more immoral lampshades. According to the website’s description, Mary Magdalene’s luxurious clothing is “a reference to her reputed past as a prostitute.” Let me tell you, I Googled Dutch Prostitutes, and none of them were dressed like that.

The next two paintings were on the same subject, so here is a representative sample:

Bathsheba at her Toilet, Cornelis Cornelisz. van Haarlem, 1594

Ok. This one has female nudity. Taking a bath - scandalous! However, I would like to dwell for a moment of on the story of Bathsheba. This beautiful married lady Bathsheba takes a bath. (With a name like that, I guess she couldn't help herself.) King David sees her from afar and goes, “I’d hit that.” So he sends “messengers” to escort her to his room, and “he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness.” She conceives a child, so David sends her husband to the front line of a particularly intense battle to be killed. She mourns her dead husband, but David marries her as soon as a socially acceptable time period has passed.

So for art categorization purposes, taking a bath while female will ultimately make you dirty, never mind the man who forcibly drags a married woman to sleep with him and offs her husband for his own purposes.

Being irritated by this, I checked, but the museum does not have a “Jerkwad Men of the Bible” collection. Or rather they do, but it is under another name. Amusing note: “Monkeys” is listed as a related subcategory under Old Testament.

Sorry. Mini-rant over. Moving on with the immoral femininity:

Man and Woman at a Spinning Wheel, Pieter Pietersz. (I), c. 1560 - c. 1570

Because nothing says “loose woman” like sitting covered head to toe, with sleeves and a collar that would make a defensive lineman feel more secure. Also, I am not sure why she has tentacles protruding from her bonnet; I guess that’s kind of risqué, if you’re into that sort of thing. The guy seems pretty intent on breaching the perimeter, but again, she’s just doing her thing and ignoring him. I guess in the 16^th century holding sheep wool was super sexxay, so she’s totally an immoral fiend.

Woman at her Toilet, Jan Havicksz. Steen, 1655 - 1660

I guess I forgot to mention this post was NSFW because OMG LOOK AT ANKLE!! Totally hawt sock removal right there. Nice glimpse of side-thigh, too, to get your juices going.

The Martyrdom of Saint Lucy, Master of the Figdor Deposition, c. 1505 - c. 1510

Ok, Rijksmuseum. Now you are taking the piss.

This painting is worthy of a post on its own, but for present Immoral Woman-themed purposes, my limited understanding of the story of Saint Lucy is as follows: she dedicated her virginity to God, convinced her mother to give away her dowry to the poor, and was burned at the stake when she refused to make a pagan sacrifice and efforts to put her in a brothel failed. Except that she wouldn’t burn, either, so she was stabbed to death, as depicted here.

Pure is the new immoral.

The museum certainly seems to have a sense of humor – I particularly enjoy that in addition to being able to download high-res copies of the works, they also encourage you to put them on other objects such as smartphone covers, or your car. You can also gather images to make your own collections and share them on the site. I think I know what the title of my first collection should be...

In a historic vote this week, either Scotland tried and failed to gain independence, or Scottish nationalists tried and failed to break up a venerable union. Depends on your perspective. In any case, the United Kingdom remains united, so on this occasion I present a representation of British determination in the past.

The Battle of Alexandria, 21 March 1801– Philip James de Loutherbourg, 1802 (Source)

So according to my diligent Wikipedia research, on March 21, 1801 the British fought the French while en route to Alexandria. As I am sure you would never have guessed from the painting title.

But I am not a historian. I just look at pictures and make snide comments. So let the snideness commence.

Fun fact: Scotsmen get a tassel on their sporran for every pub brawl they win.

Here is a Scottish soldier, pointing as if to say, “Should we no be goin’ intae that battle now?”

Leg injury, or latest European Leg Scarf fashion?

The commander, however, is injured, and looks either too drunk or too lethargic to make a move. Mr. Sassy behind him is not about to endorse any plan that might get blood splatters all over his good red coat. The guy with the spyglass is like, “Hmm…by jove, he’s right! There IS a battle going on!”

The Bobbsey Triplets are distinctly unimpressed.

There is further dissention within the ranks. These men angrily say, “This man is not to be trusted! He is both ginger and wearing a skirt!”

Of course, it was a terrifying event, and not everyone was smug. Some of them would rather nuzzle a horse’s bum than join the fray.

“I say, shall we sally forth?” “Quite so, sir!”

This is not to say that no one is keen to go fight. These two are riding out with all the gusto of gentlemen heading to the hunt.

The biggest question remains, however:

Uhh…guys?

Why is everyone in this little pow-wow ignoring the man spasming on the ground on top of a crate like three feet away? I mean, I understand that it’s a battle and there are dead people everywhere, but he seems to be flailing around as if to say, “Hello! I’m still alive here!” Or maybe he’s not injured, and he just tripped and fell while carrying the supplies?

In conclusion, throughout history there have always been things that bring people together to work for a common cause. Sometimes it is economic stability, and sometimes it is beating up the French.

It’s been several weeks now since creepy naked babies have played a major role in this blog. I recently stumbled across the works of 15^th century Italian painter Andrea del Sarto, who provided more fodder for this category than I had ever imagined. I think that he must have had some kind of complex about children, because almost every one he painted looks ready to devour your soul, but he painted them ALL THE TIME. Like, maybe he killed a baby once and its ghost haunted him in revenge forever. That is the only explanation I can think of for these paintings.

This is one of the most normal ones.

The Holy Family with the Infant Saint John the Baptist, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1530 (Source)

This is a remarkably reasonable-looking baby Jesus. The main reason it stuck out to me was the slightly wicked smirk on his face as he grasps the globe of power in his chubby baby hands.

Yes, Baby God, the world is your plaything. But you don’t have to look so happy about toying with your human puppets.

Things get weirder.

The Holy Family with the Young Saint John the Baptist, Andrea del Sarto (Source)

This is the same general theme as the previous one. Except here, besides Mary having a head the size of a coconut, Young Saint John looks like he is about to cheerfully skewer Baby Jesus’ eyeball with his delicate cross-scepter.

Charity, Andrea del Sarto, before 1530 (Source)

THIS IS NOT THE FACE OF A NORMAL CHILD.

Seriously, what does this guy think of Charity?

Charity, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1518 (Source)

I am not sure if the one on the left wants to take some kindly offered breast-sustenance in exchange for some poor little bird he’s caught, or if he is going to devour her flesh. Also, this time the third kid at the bottom just cannot take this anymore. That poor woman looks like she needs a week’s sleep, and possibly a fifth of vodka.

Madonna with the Harpies, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1517 (Source)

PUT THE BABY DOWN, MARY! RUN BEFORE HE GETS YOUR THROAT!!

Also, I am concerned for this creature.

Its expression is a recurring theme.

Madonna and Child with Saint Elizabeth, the Infant Saint John, and Two Angels, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1515-1516 (Source)

What kind of freaky adolescent angel makeout session is going on right over Mary and Baby’s heads??

I’ve heard of divine ecstasy, but this is not what I had envisioned.

I leave you with this.

Mystical Marriage of St. Catherine, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1513 (Source)

Besides the uncomfortable implications of mystically marrying baby-version Jesus, the dull, empty eye sockets of all the small people in this painting remind me uncomfortably of ghouls in Japanese horror movies. And that’s before even considering this ginger baby strangling a lamb with a grin, with some deformed dog-dragon thing without eyes desperately panting for a taste.

I should really stop writing these before bed.

…Ok, so maybe it’s not quite as catchy as the Beatles’ tune.

The Apparition of the Virgin – Girolamo da Carpi, 1530/1540

Three things with this painting:

1. Baby angels apparently make great seats.

2. WHAT IS WITH THE CREEPY BABY FACES ALL THE TIME. Seriously, 16th century Italian painters. Just stop.

3. So a woman appears in the sky surrounded by light and carried by angels, and this guy goes, "Hey, this would be a great time to play with a wind sock!"

Ok, more like it will fish them out of the water, where they have been stored in a waterproof basket. But that doesn’t help me practice my Preposterous Clickbait Title Generation Skills.

Moses. You may be familiar with him as that guy who talked to flaming shrubbery. Or who told his brother to turn all the water in Egypt into the world’s biggest blood bank. Or who really hated golden livestock (but magical bronze snakes were ok). However, today we’re going to look back on an episode Before He Was Famous.

The story goes that in Egypt the Pharaoh was none too impressed with the Hebrew people thriving, so he wanted all the infant boys murdered. To save her baby, Young Moses’ mother hid him in a basket and put it in the river. Pharaoh’s daughter went to bathe in the river with some handmaidens and was like “OMG what a cute basket! Wait, there is a live baby in it. That will make it harder to hold Daddy’s collection of dead babies.” But ultimately she decides to let the baby live for some reason.

The Finding of Moses, Veronese, probably 1570/1575 (Source)

This painting depicts this episode. I would just like to point out that this is supposed to be the princess of Egypt.

I have seen vampires with more of a tan.

Additionally, the princess seems to have brought along some more questionable “handmaidens” to her bath. Like this one, who clearly thinks the lady has become a basketcase…

Or this alternate-reality version of Tyrion Lannister, who pursued his childhood dream of becoming a jester.

Perhaps most striking, though, is what these ladies are up to.

They are running around like “AHHHH! BABIES IN THE WATER!! I hope I didn’t get any on me!! Do you think it’s contagious?”

Sadly, worse things were in store for Egypt than a Plague of Water Babies.

Dear readers, you may, or more likely may not, have noticed that I have been AWOL for a little while. Well, that is because the past few weeks I was gallivanting around Europe attending a wedding, recovering from a wedding, and trying to determine the blood-alcohol content of the average Polish wedding guest. (Answer: not enough. More vodka!)

The wedding, at the Benedictine Abbey in Tyniec near Krakow, was beautiful. Definitely the loveliest ceremony I have attended that I could not understand a word of. Well, I got the names of the bride and groom, and Christ was in there, although I’m pretty sure it was spelled “Krwyzctzyc.” But besides the joy of being present for two good friends signing a lifetime contract of love and devotion, I got to see this amazing church.

Source

There is a lot of gold in there. We’ll start with this pulpit, which I sat behind and could not help but gaze upon.

Source

The official explanation is that it is in the shape of a ship, on which Jesus preached. Personally, my first thought was that it looked like a fancy Victorian ship-shaped bed with tassels and light-blocking curtains. It turns out that the curtains are a net to catch these terrifying fishes.

Also featured but not showing up very well in this photo: a series of golden tentacles emerging from the rock(?) on top of the boat.

I might observe that the church website explains, “The composition of the pulpit is crowned with a building symbolising the Church with a figure of whorshipped Christ at the top.” So I guess “whorshipping” goes along with the blingy golden ship-bed of Christ?

Moving on to the altar center stage.

Source

Plenty more gold, but we’ll take a look at the painting in the middle…

Source

Peter and Paul, the patrons of the church, look up in awe at the divine world. Although frankly even without the holy Trinity up there, there is something unnerving about those angels.

Also, while Peter is usually depicted as pretty svelte, here he looks a bit like Santa Claus in his nightgown.

The last striking thing was this angel wielding an upside-down cross.

This is probably symbolizing Peter again, who was crucified upside-down. However, the way that angel is holding it is less like he’s supporting a noble symbol, and more like he’s going to fling it down and impale some unsuspecting people below.

In conclusion, congratulations and best wishes to G&K, and Polish churches are awesome! I now know where to go in case of a global financial meltdown when gold becomes the only acceptable currency.

After the Wedding in Bling Abbey, I was off for an assignment in Spain. There wasn’t much time for sightseeing, but the one thing I did get to check out was Oviedo Cathedral. And what a cathedral it is. To give you an idea of the overwhelming visual experience, this is the main altar.

My detail-obsessed brain immediately shut down at this, and I still haven’t had a chance to process it. This will be at least a two-part entry, so I may come back to it later. For now, however, we are going to look at what I found to be the most striking art theme of the cathedral: brutal murder.

Before dragging my husband around to photograph 5000 vignettes and drawing suspicious looks from staff, I took the formal tour, which was quite whirlwind (“There is the altar! Here are very old statues of the disciples! This is a fancy historical jeweled box! Ok, thanks for coming!”). One of the details from the guide that stuck with me, though, was that Saint Eulogius, who is buried in the cathedral, had been beheaded by the Moors. After the tour, the first scene that I noticed was this one.

Sure enough, that is a dude about to be beheaded by a man with a scimitar and a bitchin’ moustache.

The incoming angel seems unprepared to deal with this situation. It is hard to balance a wreath on the head when it is a free-range head, not bound by the confines of a body. Also, what is he planning to do with that palm branch? Beat off the assailant, or just incapacitate him with hayfever?

This proved to be the first of several death-in-process vignettes. In a Catholic place of worship, I expect a certain amount of (Possibly Bleeding) Jesus-On-A-Cross, but this place is like a religious snuff film. (Snuff mural?)

I now present to you the Martyr Highlights of Oviedo Cathedral.

Apparently getting whacked from behind was a big problem in medieval Spain. This time the weapon looks more like a baseball bat, although he seems to have a scimitar at his side. The victim is just like, “Hey, tree, what did I do??”

Also note the floating angel head - this theme is making more sense now that I see all the beheadings that went on.

I’m not sure if this one is actually a murder about to happen, but it looks like he’s about to be stabbed in the back on the king’s orders. Charm point: adorable dwarf with a knife that might leap forward and cut his Achilles tendon.

Of course, the images of saints being beaten with rocks are much more picturesque than the stabbings.

The guy giving the orders looks so delightfully disinterested – “Oh, just get it over with. And try not to get any brain splatters on me.”

Here, even though one guy has a pitchfork, the multitude decided that rock-bashing is much more fun. Also, I like that there is a dedicated rock-fetcher for the mindless murder mob.

This man seems to be being whipped with bushels of wheat. That angel coming down with the cross is like, “Hey guys, that looks pretty ineffective, but I’ve got a technique that works here…”

Also, good on the victim for trying to make a break for it while they’re still in the process of binding his feet.

This one gets points for being the most gruesome, with the man being actively flayed alive. Must be a House Dreadfort job.

I am not entirely sure why those three angry guys are being trampled, but I love that the one in the middle is holding his hand up as if to say, “Excuse me, old chap, might you lend a hand here?”

I always thought that devils were supposed to take your soul and stab you with pitchforks underground, but apparently sky demons are also a concern. Not quite sure what the dove with laser beams is doing, since it is not engaging in combat with the minions of hell.

Finally, my personal favorite Oviedo Cathedral death: naked man consumed by dragon under an Illuminati pyramid.

So there you have it. There may have been more, but these were the main ones that caught my eye in the cacophony of imagery. Because nothing encourages the worship of a loving God like looking at endless images of people, including the faithful, being brutally murdered!

The Feast of Venus: Baby’s First Orgy

Grab Bag: The Fab, The Drab, and The Nightmarish Fruit Demon

Renaissance Easter Eggs

Allegorical Double-Bill: The Agony, the Ecstasy, and Divine Hazing

Judgment Day: Drug-Addled Torture Porn for Renaissance Germans

It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 10

Mythology of the EPA Building: Gods, Nudity, and Animal Furniture

The Nativity feat. St. Pincushion & the Fashionistas

Mini-Post: Allegory of the Cold-Blooded Murderbabies

Mini-Post: Toasty Baby Furnace

He’s Baaaaaaaack

DC Art: Commemorating Military Instruction (And Bird Molestation)

Point/Counterpoint: Economic Systems Edition

Immoral Women, Ho!

You Don’t Know (Union) Jack

Revenge of the Babies

Mini-Post: Madonna in the Sky with Disembodied Baby Heads

This One Pic Will Blow Your Notions of Moses Out Of The Water

European Adventures Part I: The Pomp of the Polish Pulpit

European Adventures Part II: Oviedo and the Temple of Death