Sarcastic Art Review Fun Time

Dear readers, this week I thought we would take a look at ukiyo-e, Japanese woodblock prints especially popular in the 18th and 19th centuries. I knew that there were lots of them featuring portraits of actors or geisha of the period, scenes from books or plays, and famous landscapes and seasonal images. What I forgot when I fired up the WikiPaintings search was that hardcore sex and vengeance were also pretty popular. Here at SARFT, we feel that if it’s pre-20^th century, it must be worthwhile art. However, because this is a classy blog, I decided to go with one that does not depict explicit carnal embrace.

Utagawa Kunisada, Tokaido 53 Stations, #C

Instead, we have the saddest, most awkward version of the Hulk ever, preparing to throw a shelf full of baskets and fans at a couple that I must assume is asleep. How they are remaining asleep with a rage-shrieking nude man with mutant hip joints (among other things) stomping around, and another lady screaming at the intrusion of their cozy ménage à trois, I am not sure. They must have gotten really tired. Which, given some of the activities depicted in this artist’s other prints, would not surprise me actually. Also the way the wall is depicted in the background, it kind of looks like there are bees swarming around the shelf, which would really make the scene that much more exciting.

I was watching Bill Bailey last week, and came across this bit where he basically steals my job here and talks about paintings of Doubting Thomas. This is a popular vignette taken from the Gospel of John, where Jesus returns from the grave and all the disciples seem him but Thomas. So they tell him, “Hey Tom, Jesus totally came back from the dead,” and he’s all like, “Yeah whatever guys, I’ll believe it when I literally stick my hand in his still-gaping wounds,” and then Jesus appears again and goes “You asked for it,” and wound-poking commences.

This week I’ll do a quick review of a Thomas Poking Jesus painting, and let you watch the video for a broader overview of the genre (with Greek subtitles, for all my Greek readers...although in this case Koine might have been more appropriate). This particular one is by 17^thcentury Dutch painter Hendrick ter Brugghen.

First, here is Jesus forcing Thomas’ finger into the wound in his side. Early diagnostic imaging at its best!

This is fairly unpleasant business. Understandably, some of the audience is looking away, presumably at some passing birds, or maybe some happy butterflies.

However, one person is looking on with interest.

This creepy old man is going, “Hmm, penetration of gaping flesh wounds…how fascinating. Now, just a little to the left…”

For me, perhaps the creepiest part of this image is Jesus himself, pushing someone else’s finger into his ribcage, slightly lumpy face balanced between patience and irritation.

I saw this and thought, “Oh no! Mentally unbalanced Smeagol is about to strangle that man!”

You touchedthePrecious...body of Christ...

That would be one way to ensure Thomas doubted no more.

Last time on As the World Turns (Around Marie de’ Medici), her hubby Henry presented her with a disappointing representation of imperial domination in the form of a small orb. This time things get real, with her actual coronation to become Queen of France.

Besides my pop-cultural training that immediately makes me expect the cardinals in red to leap forward and shout, “NOBODY expects the Spanish inquisition!”, a few things are noteworthy in this painting.

First, apparently royal coronations were pet-friendly affairs. These dogs are practically on the dais, in position to jump and wee with joy on the new queen’s impressive blue train at a moment’s notice. I think they are hoping that someone will throw the Orb of Royal Power so they can fetch it.

Next, while most of the crowd is raptly watching the coronation proceedings, in the back there are a couple of guys who look about ready to start a brawl.

Maybe this was the early equivalent of sport hooliganism, and the supporters of opposing would-be regents are going to go at it?

Perhaps most striking, however, is the pair of angels that have entered the proceedings riding on weather patterns that are unusual for the typical indoor event. Furthermore, they are dumping gold over the crowd.

And almost NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO THIS.

Now, if this were meant to be a symbolic representation of divine sanction of the new queen, raining divine bounty upon her invisible to the masses, that would be one thing. But there are some people looking up and desperately scrabbling for the golden showers.

This would seem to imply that it is a thing that is actually happening in the room, and 90% of the people just don’t think indoor cloud formations with winged beings throwing around cash money is worth noticing.

Dear readers, this week my totally awesome friend over at The Calamity Catdirected me to the Ugly Renaissance Babies tumblr. And once again an afternoon was lost in the awesomeness that is bizarre and hilarious art. What follows here is a small random sampling from the site; I highly recommend checking it and its snappy commentary out.

Francesco Bianchi, Arion Riding on a Dolphin

A dolphin? Really? It looks like a cross between a whale and a giant sea leech. And Arion is wearing the latest in Stoned Baby Cape fashion while he jams on his…lute? Mandolin? Do you use a bow to play the mandolin? How well could a dazed superhero baby play an instrument while balanced on a mutant bloodsucking dolphin, anyway?

Ignacio Chacón, Lactation of Saint Pedro Nolasco

In a totally not creepy scene, a woman breastfeeds a baby and an old man at the same time while standing on a pile of decapitated baby heads. More heads fly through the air as young and old are “nurtured.”

Workshop of Guilo Romano, A Mermaid Feeding Her Young

Along this theme, this is definitely not how I had envisioned Ariel and her six sisters growing up.

Maerten van Heemkerck

Starting a steroid regimen very young. He’ll go far in the Renaissance weightlifting circuit!

Rembrandt, Abduction of Ganymede

I always thought it was storks that brought children. This explains why they scream so much.

Franceschini Baldassarre, Amore Venale

The world’s first cartoon villains. I hope that they are emptying someone’s piggy bank after stealing candy from a baby. Also I see where Cruella de Vil got her penchant for long cigarette holders.

British Library, Harley 4425, f. 140

Is…is she forging a baby? Is that how it worked in the Renaissance period? Or maybe they actually had a robot infant army. In the corner there is a lifeless pile of forged robot baby shells, presumably waiting for replacement limbs and Sonic Shriek vocal implants.

In conclusion, I feel that modern baby photography has lost some of the charm of baby-painting back in the day. Look at what we are missing!

Dear readers, recently an anonymous reader suggested I look into the works of Paul Delvaux. Delvaux is a 20^th century painter, and thus much more modern than the usual fare here, but it’s important to follow up on anonymous tips in the rough world of art reviewing. So, I dove into Wikipaintings to see what I could find.

Paul Delvaux was a Belgian surrealist. We all know how those Belgian surrealistscan be. Unlike James Ensor, however, Delvaux seems fairly straightforward in his interests. Specifically, nude women.

Early on we get some pretty standard nudes.

Reclining Nude

Your basic naked lady on a couch.

There are other images where having all the women naked wouldn’t be how I would have envisioned it, but it’s fair enough in the situation.

The Courtesans

Ok, so a bunch of courtesans. Normally they would be out and about clothed, but maybe this is their annual nude beach party. It looks like the courtesan health care package even includes free breast exams by another naked lady, reducing the self-consciousness of the patient alone being topless.

Then there are some where it seems like the law would have been involved.

A Visit

So…uh…we can still give him the benefit of the doubt…maybe this is a nudist household, and they are all naked all the time so there is nothing odd here. And the lady is gesturing to her breasts invitingly because she’s one of those mothers that breastfeeds her children until they’re 18. Totally natural and not creepy…

But then he starts taking normal scenes and just adding naked women to them for no apparent reason.

Salut

“Oh, hi George. Sorry, can’t chat, must dash to catch the bus down there.”

This trend gets more obvious than this.

Astronomers

Some stuffy old astronomers debate lunar physics or something. Also NAKED LADIES.

The Tunnel

Everyone is wandering around, waiting for their trains and chatting. And a couple of women forgot their clothes. Also there’s a creepy girl in a mirror who I assume is the Belgian version of the girl in “The Ring.” Typical day at the train station!

The Congress

No one in the Congress observes the line of nubile young women lined up in the chamber. They’re just debating away, probably thinking, “Man, it’s warm in here. I knew we shouldn’t have approved the plan to lower heating costs by insulating the walls with women!

In conclusion, Delvaux’s style seems not unlike the thought process of the typical teenage boy: everything is better with naked ladies.

Dear readers, I have been ridiculously busy this past week, and it looks like things are only going to get busier for a while. I apologize if entries are a bit shorter or further between. I’ll try to find pictures that are worth a thousand words to make up for it. Starting with this one.

After last week’s naked woman-fest, here is something for the ladies. I originally found this piece on Ugly Renaissance Babies, but as it does not feature babies, and instead has so much more, I decided it deserved its own entry.

The Fall of the Titans, by Cornelius van Haarlem, demonstrates once again how much this artist likes some prominent naked man-butt front and center. Well, slightly to the right.

I try to find images with high resolutions, the better to see all the little details that make many paintings great. With this one, Wikimedia has a copy available at 7,328 × 5,688 pixel resolution. You can just about see the pores on these guys’ faces (or other bits, if you prefer). This allows one to appreciate the delicate eyelashes and bushy ‘stache on this guy…

But it also meant that in scanning through I looked at this strategically placed dragonfly close up (sensitive readers should avert their eyes).

That’s not a dragonfly; that is a giant transparent leech with wings and a face. It could eat a cat.

There is also this dog hanging around, probably thinking it has died and gone to Fresh Meat heaven.

This painting features a lot of impressive aerial acrobatics. Here is just one example to demonstrate the kind of questions they raise.

Why is the one guy grabbing the other one? Does he think it will break his fall? Also why is he awkwardly grabbing his own head? Is it just to show off his massive biceps mid-fall? Is that a dragon back there?

Finally, I think this guy is my favorite. His expression pretty much sums up my reaction to this painting.

I wonder if this is what the Weather Girls had in mind?

Dear readers, it would appear that once more Easter is upon us, and with it the celebration of life and resurrection from death through chocolate eggs laid by a confused rabbit. Or so I am led to believe by the supermarket shelves.

In honor of this occasion I have found a fantastic rendition of Jesus returning from the dead. Apparently Jesus coming out of the tomb alive and having witnesses would not have been in keeping with his ultimate message of letting the world, including people who were not already his followers, know he just performed a great miracle; thus, most paintings of this scene feature two or three guards lying around the tomb asleep. This version from the 15^th century “Très Riches Heures du Duc de Berry,” however, takes this a step further.

Look at him! Jesus is literally surrounded by the fallen bodies of heavily armed soldiers. They’re not just asleep; they are piles of flesh, limbs akimbo, necks at awkward, broken angles.

This Jesus was not taking his return from the dead lightly. He was back to kick some serious butt. And clearly he was up to the challenge of an army or two on his own, as his only companion is this guy.

A rather diminutive angel who clearly just spent waaaay too long at the tanning salon on his way to the resurrection. There’s no way he caused that much havocwhen he’s just recovering from sunstroke.

Not content with merely taking out the world’s military forces, the resurrection was also apparently the catalyst for the next great flood, as well.

Everyone, human and angel alike, is waist-deep in water. And when the angels are finding water levels to be getting a little uncomfortable, you know the world is in deep (ha!) trouble.

Really what this painting made me think of was this clip for Gandhi II. You know, the spirit of Easter. Happy Spring, everyone!

Dear readers, this week we turn again to the ongoing Medici Cycle saga. And this one is a doozy. Last time, after like nine other paintings, Marie was finally coronated as the Queen of France. There were angels and it rained gold coins and everything. Marie was crowned on 13 May, 1610.

Then, her husband, Henry, was tragically assassinated. This happened…on 14 May, 1610.

TOTALLY A COINCIDENCE. And Marie was of course quite reluctant to take full control of the regency. Sorry, did I say reluctant? I meant that she took it up the same day her husband was murdered. Out of a sense of duty to the country, I am sure.

This painting is called the “Death of Henry IV and the Proclamation of the Regency.” And it is the best representation of an assassination, ever.

Henry is spirited away to the skies, looking understandably concerned at being dragged bodily by two men clothed only in sheets while being harassed by an eagle armed with lightning bolts.

Back on earth, there is an effort to keep him in the mortal realm. Not by his wife, of course, but rather by a fire-breathing snake grabbing his ankle.

His wife is already seated on the thronebeneath a triumphal arch,“reluctantly” receiving the orb of power from France, whose bosom is dangling all over the place, because it is France.

Meanwhile, Marie has suddenly become a very eligible bachelorette, judging by the throngs of drooling men suddenly clawing at her throne.

Somehow it seems the menfolk weren’t coming a-knocking in quite such numbers BEFORE she was Queen of France, but I am sure this is entirely related to her womanly charms. Although I would recommend that they all should take a close look at her dead hubby’s obituary in relation to her coronation before getting tooamorous.

As a final note, what is going on with this guy??

This appears to be a disembodied zombie head protruding from a shiny shield. Which I like think is really the message we should take away from this. “If your husband is coincidentally assassinated one day after you come into a position to get a lot of power from his death, beware the zombie hordes that will come for you from another dimension out of all reflective surfaces.”

This week, not one, but two people sent me images for this blog. It made me happy that some people think of me when they see art. Then I realized this means that people see drawings of semi-nude women and butt jokes and think “Oh yeah, that’ll be up her alley.” But I digress.

This week we look at depictions of St. Bernard’s vision of Mary. I was unaware of this story, but having now looked into it apparently it was quite a popular vignette in paintings. The story goes that St. Bernard was praying before a statue of the Virgin Mary, and he asked her to “show herself to be a mother.” The statue then came to life, gave the breasticle a bit of a squeeze, and shot virgin-milk directly into his mouth. Apparently this was supposed to represent either the gift of life, or the “wisdom of God.”

So without further ado, here is the painting that got the ball rolling here. I can’t find the artist, but “La Vision de San Bernardo de Claraval” appears at the Museo Palacio Arzobispal de Lima.

Looks like your typical man holding a Roman torture implement to kneel before a woman surrounded by winged and un-winged babies. But upon closer inspection…

Really she’s got pretty good range. Baby Jesus is standing there going, “Well, I guess I can share. It’s better direct from the source, though.”

Sometimes Mary’s aim is less good (or precise).

(Source)

Although that’s probably what I would do if someone asked me to prove myself a mother by breastfeeding them. In your EYE, disbeliever!

Of course, there are simpler ways of getting at those who question you. Here Bernard looks like he might be in the middle of a stroke and about to drown in a stream of fresh milk.

(Source)

Sometimes the scene doesn’t show the milk-bestowal proper, instead showing him trying to persuade Mary to just let him have a bit of her sweet, sweet baby food.

(Source)

Here there’s the bonus of baby angels everywhere, including Mary standing on baby angel heads.

Then there’s this one, where he’s not so much ready for a drink, as he looks like he might burn a hole in her breast with his Intense Stare.

(Source)

I’m not so sure it’s “proof of motherhood” he’s looking for there….

I leave you with perhaps the most famous image, by Alonzo Cano.

(Source)

Clearly Mary has been practicing for that carnival game with the squirtgun and the little targets. I think she’ll win the giant teddy bear.

Dear readers, I apologize for being remiss here. These are hectic times, and at the end of the day I've been tired and uninspired. But for the sake of keeping on the sporadic blogging bandwagon, I present you with this, which is vaguely in line with the theme from last time.

Source

This is "St. Nicholas Refusing His Mother’s Milk,” by an unknown artist. Apparently St. Nicholas' mother has vases for breasts. Either that, or she's pointing a flesh-colored water balloon at her son

St. Nicholas himself appears to have been cross-bred with a caterpillar.

And this is the conversation they are having, apparently having been locked in a battle of wills for about 3 days straight.

Mother: DRINK IT. DRINK THE MILK. RIGHT NOW.
St Nicholas: NOOOOOOO. STOP POINTING THAT THING AT ME.
Mother: I'VE BEEN TAKING LESSONS FROM MARY. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY LASER LACTATION DEVICE.

I thought I would try to steer away from “Bare Boobs and Breastfeeding” as a primary theme this week, and instead return to another much-loved theme in art, “Hubris.”

This is Frederick Henry, 17^th century Prince of Orange, seen here after a tragic accident involving a pencil sharpener, his face, and severe neck trauma requiring use of a Lace Brace.

And this is the “Triumph of Frederik Henrik,” by Jacob Jordaens.

It was a modest triumph, really.

I should note that this was commissioned by Frederick Henry’s consort after his death, to show how awesome he was. But really it goes to show that he couldn’t triumph over death. I assume that that is why Skeletor here is about to stab that pansy angel in the face before moving on to Freddy.

Elsewhere in the heights the Baby Vine crop is literally dripping with fruit, ripe and ready for plucking. Mmm, plump, juicy babies.

Back down on the ground, a naked Father-Son duo practice for their entry to the Hawkeye Initiative. Curve those spines and pop out those tushies, boys!

The son looks like he’s getting up to some mischief, inciting a stampede in the middle of a crowded plaza. This guy has already been trampled to death by overexcited horses.

This is why you should always adhere to the maximum capacity warnings for public spaces. Here it was 100 people OR 50 horses OR 2 hungry lions.

At least the dead trampled guy’s body won’t go to waste.

A few men apparently have a brilliant scheme to steal this life-sized golden statue while no one is paying attention. HEEEEAVE!

Finally, we have the center of attention himself, His Godliness Frederick Henry. He lounges casually on his golden chariot, serene in the middle of all the chaos. Beside him is his trusty staff. He has apparently taken the Anime approach to weaponry, with the assumption that the bigger the sword the better. Or maybe it’s just his consort’s wishful thinking.

Buddhism has a rich body of mythology, which is often expressed through intricate art. This makes it a prime target for ignoramuses such as myself to use as fodder for a humor blog. Thus I present to you a 19^th century work, “Rahula and his Assembly.”

Source

I should note that if you do a Google search for “Rahula,” you will find that this is the name of Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha)’s biological son. Although I thought at first that there must have been something freaky in the water his mother was drinking while pregnant, a little further searching revealed that it is also the name of “the horrific Nyingma protector deity, wrathful, with nine heads and a giant face on the belly.” So plus side, the Buddha’s son didn’t have faces all over his body. Probably, anyway. On the other hand, his parents probably should have used a better Baby Name book.

Rahula is the centerpiece of all this, so we’ll start with him. But where to begin?

We’ll go with the head(s). Really this is a very impressive tower of heads, tastefully adorned with little bonus skulls. He must pay his eyebrow groomer very well to maintain that highly manicured look over all of those eyes – even the tapered look over the third eyes! Very stylish. Almost as stylish as his mustache and beard, carefully shaved and waxed into individual curls. It must take him hours to get ready in the morning. And when he finally gets ready, he’s got a lot of hungry mouths waiting for breakfast!

The one directly in his stomach being perhaps the most voracious of these. I mean, his stomach-mouth is at least twice the size of his main face-mouth. Imagine how many Pop-Tarts it would take to keep it satisfied! Especially as the food would just keep falling out, since the stomach is a face. Brings new meaning to the idea of being stuffed to the eyeballs.

In addition to his impressive ginger stomach-beard, he also has eyes on his hands and arms, presumably to allow him to aim his bow, arrow, and sword better. I don’t want to know what the nipple-eyes’ main purpose is.

Moving down to his legs, we find that he doesn’t have legs so much as terrifying tentacles protruding from his torso, tipped with even more faces. We find he is sitting on a couple of uncomfortable-looking people, in a setup for one of the stranger examples of hentai to grace the 19^th century.

Rahula’s entourage has some interesting entries, as well. First, above his heads we find this trio.

Just a couple of normal enlightened deities, chillin’ on their standard-issue lotus-blossom clouds. And this guy.

He’s all like, “RAAAAAGHHHHH! MERE MORTAL! I SHALL STOMP ON YOUR FACE WITH MY STUMPY LEGS FOR ATTEMPTING TO STEAL MY SACRED CHEESE STICK!”

Then there are a couple of invisible naked androgynous-types, pretending to be birds as they chase after a giggling flaming skull.

I think this guy is my favorite, though.

His many faces twist in rage, hair standing on end, shaking his rage-snake at the heavens. I assume his anger is related to the bowl of what appears to be noodles in his other hand. I pale to think of how the divine noodle-shop messed up his order. “I said no spring onions! PREPARE FOR VENGEANCE!!!”

Here at SARFT, we have seen many times that nothing inspires artists like naked ladies. We have also seen that Belgians are weird. This week we combine these two themes as we look at the work of the 19th century Belgian painter Félicien Rops. I’ve looked at one of his works before, but it seems that was only the tip of the kinky iceberg. WikiPaintings claims that his style is “symbolism.” I think that “women wearing nothing but stockings” only goes so far as a symbol, but then what do I know?

It started when the title of this painting caught my eye: “Pornocrates.” Uhh…porn for people who get off to Greek philosophers?

A blindfolded lady takes her pet pig for a walk. She has accessorized well, but seems to have forgotten her dress. In the background, baby angels make disturbingly ecstatic poses in the air. I guess they like pigs?

Continuing the stockinged-lady-with-baby-angels theme, here is “Cythera’s Toilet.”

I suppose they are supposed to be bearing her grooming tools and makeup, but frankly I have to assume that anything in tiny angel-borne vials are drugs. Also one baby is bringing a breast on a plate? Maybe it’s Jell-o made with a novelty mold.

This is the technically accurately named “Woman on a Rocking Horse.”

A Dominatrix rides with impunity, spurred onward by a band of grooving demons. Beside her, a monkey dressed like Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother is forced to perch on a pole. I think that Rops’ childhood nanny may have had some serious issues.

But not as serious as those that Rops himself developed. I debated for a while whether to include “The Satanic Removal,” part of a Satanic threesome of paintings. If you’re curious but (rightfully) terrified of clicking links around here, it involves a naked lady, a frisky broomstick, and a demon so well hung he could actually hang himself.

Instead, I’ll conclude with the significantly tamer “Behind the Scenes.”

Compared to come of the others, this one is fairly unremarkable...except for the dude who is a cross between a smarmy Emperor Ming and the Monarch.

SYMBOLISM!!

The story of Adam and Eve appears in art a lot. There’s just something about this particular story of the first humans’ fall from grace that strikes a chord with artists. I tend to think it’s a combination of human nature wanting to have a scapegoat or two for all of its problems, plus artists loving any excuse to paint people naked. But whatever.

This particular rendition is by 15^th century Italian artist Giovanni di Paolo. It’s actually called “The Creation and the Expulsion from the Paradise,” but I like to imagine it all as a more creative take on the expulsion bit.

We’ll start with God.

He swoops in, surrounded by winged angel heads. Were all those angels strangulated before they were beheaded, giving them that attractive purplish tint? Also, why is God always old in paintings? Here he just created the universe, but he’s already literally trying to chase the kids off his lawn. WITH THE UNIVERSE. To me, it looks like he’s rolling the universe right back up, Katamari Damacy style. “You kids don’t like my rules? FINE. NO UNIVERSE FOR YOU.”

Before the whole fruit issue, it kind of looks like there were problems in the garden already.

Are these demonic groundhog holes, burrowing up through the Orchard of the Lord? See if you can tell when spring arrives in a vacuous abyss, Punxsutawney Satan.

Evidently Adam and Eve weren’t the only ones on restrictive diets in the universe. It is possible that the reason we can’t see angels is because they are always turned sideways to our line of sight. I have to say that the angel doesn’t look very fearsome as he chases the humans out. Really he looks more like he’s telling them, “Please…go now…find some food, before it’s too laaaaate…”

I think the best part, though, is Adam. Here he is, being kicked out of Paradise, the universe being sucked up behind him, and he takes the time to cop a feel as he strolls out.

And thus, priorities for mankind were set forever.

Dear readers, I have just returned from a journey to Salt Lake City in Utah. In case you are unaware, Salt Lake City is the Home of the Mormon Church and Not Much Else. As a result, while my fiancé was off doing important work-related things, I spent a lot of time staring into the mountains and pondering the meaninglessness of existence. But when I wasn’t doing that, I wandered over to look at the LDS temple, the grounds of which were massive, well-groomed, and full of cringe-worthy statues. The statue that caught my eye the most, however, was the Seagull Monument.

This is the monument.

If you do an image search for “Mormon seagulls” (and who wouldn’t?), you’ll find pictures like this:

Golden seagulls! So majestic! They’re practically eagles, but with a greater penchant for eating out of a dumpster!

The problem is that when you first approach this monument from the main walkway in the middle of the temple square as I did, this is the view you get:

Basically it looks like one of the seagulls is taking a massive dump on its majestic sphere perch.

The images on the bottom of the monument show the Mormon pioneers looking forlornly at fields with their oxen. So as an uninformed outsider, my actual thought on looking at this monument was that the pioneers must have arrived at this horrible place with like 90% salt content in the soil and had been unable to grow anything until these seagulls arrived and fertilized everything with their guano.

It turns out the story is actually even better than this.

Indeed, the pioneers were having trouble with their crops. Then these crickets came along and were eating what little they had managed to farm. But all of a sudden, a flock of seagulls miraculously appeared, and everyone started rocking really weird new-wave hairstyles.

Wait, sorry. This flock of seagulls appeared and started eating the crickets. Then, the gulls went to the stream, vomited, and went back to eat more crickets, and continued this cycle until all the crickets were gone. So basically the Mormon pioneers were saved by bulimic seagulls. And the water supply was never the same again. Inspirational!

I will leave you with this painting I found in looking for info on this story, attributed to the “International Society Daughters of Utah Pioneers.” It appears to depict an alternate history in which the pioneers are about to be devoured in an invasion of giant man-eating gulls.

The artwork here has been quite Euro-centric, so I decided it was time to look at some good old-fashioned American art. Recently Amy over at Kid-Free Living (who is hilarious and you should go read her blog!) found some gems at the National Gallery in DC, which pointed me in the direction of their website. A vast trove of materials awaited! The 19^th century seems to have been a golden age for awkward portraiture.

Mrs. Harlow A. Pease – Erastus Salisbury Field, 1837 (Source)

The 19^th century was a period before closets were invented, so women were forced to wear all of their clothes stuffed into their sleeves and tied under their skirts. Unused lace curtains were turned into attractive head and shoulder coverings.

Interior Scene - 1840

At this time, people had hands and feet a fraction of the size that they do today. Books were made in miniature to accommodate tiny fingers. Also, perspective did not exist yet.

Girl with Reticule and Rose – Joseph Whiting Stock, 1840

Terribly awkward haircuts for children did exist, however, along with the child’s resultant seething being immortalized in paint.

Mary and Francis Wilcox – Joseph Whiting Stock, 1845

“Please can we go now, Mummy? Little Francis Green-Dress wants to take her dollhouse sledding and teach me how to hover an inch off the ground like she does.”

Eliza Welch Stone – Thomas Skynner, 1845

I assume Eliza divided her free time between flower arranging to maintain a veneer of femininity, and being a linebacker. She needed to be careful about getting her portrait done when her five o'clock shadow was showing, though.

Charles H. Sisson – Joseph Goodhue Chandler, 1850

Little Charles already excelled in the art of beating the livestock and servants by the age of five.

Plains Indian – J.W. Bradshaw, 19^th century

So I imagine Mr. Bradshaw was trying to show respect in painting the portrait of this individual. Unfortunately his face seems to be melting a bit. On the plus side, his portrait later served as inspiration for the Muppet Workshop.

I think the winner for Most Awkward American Portrait this round, however, goes to Edward Hicks, for his “Portrait of a Child.”

Source

Yes, that face will haunt you for the rest of the day. You’re welcome!

The old saying goes, those who can’t do, write snarky blog posts about those who at least attempt to do. I confess I once tried my hand at doing a self-portrait, with a Technicolor result that would have made Picasso scratch his head. The difference is that my work didn’t wind up in the National Gallery.

Dear readers, as you may or may not have noticed, I disappeared for a little while.

Ok, so maybe it was almost a year.

But my excuse is that in that time I finished writing a book, got married, traveled for a month, moved to another continent, and started a new job. Please forgive my tardiness, and rest assured that I am BACK, with a renewed vigor for mocking inconsequential details in artwork made by people far more talented and popular (and usually dead) than me.

Having read some feedback suggesting that dark backgrounds make some potential readers uncomfortable, I have also changed the look of the site a bit. I thought that perhaps a nice light blue theme would soothe visitors before showing them depictions of mythical swan seduction and naked people being devoured by demon birds.

My last entry focused on paintings from the National Gallery of Art in DC. As it happens, I have now visited the gallery in person, and it turns out they have way more than just awkward American portraits. They have awkward paintings of everything. Thus, I am relaunching this blog with a two-part series of paintings of Madonna and Baby Jesus found at the NGA: the first will focus on images in which the holy duo is in some way a little….odd, and the second will look at some of the weird groupies that seemed to hang around with Madonna and Baby Jesus when they were posing for a painting (which was apparently all they did between baby ages 0-10). You can find all of these images in their online repository.

We’ll start with Mafia Madonna.

Madonna and Child with Saint Jerome and Saint John the Baptist - Cima da Conegliano, c. 1459-1517 or 1518

I quite like the technical execution of this work. But my first thought on seeing Momma’s face was, “If I mess with her baby, I will wake up to find a horse head in my bed.” Even Baby Jesus looks like he’s about to deal with St. Jerome’s stuttering excuses with a cool, calculated measurement for new concrete shoes.

It’s not personal, it’s strictly business.

Next up: Seizure Baby Jesus.

The Virgin Adoring the Child - Sandro Botticell, c. 1480-1490

Allegedly Mary is adoring her baby here, but frankly I think she’s posed to defend herself from a child who is showing signs of contorting and clawing for brains in early-onset zombie-itis.

He does come back from the dead eventually…

This leads us straight into Possibly-A-Cadaver Baby Jesus.

Madonna and Child Enthroned With Saint Peter and Saint Paul – Domenico di Bartolo, c. 1430

Seriously. That baby is not a healthy color. If it weren’t for his smooth features, I would have taken him for a shriveled centenarian.

Or maybe it’s greyscale?

Also, I think that Saint Peter should get that lazy eye seen to.

Poor Saint Paul’s male pattern baldness has left him susceptible to forehead tarantulas, as well.

Sometimes, instead of being tiny and shriveled, Baby Jesus is a ginormous monster.

The Adoration of the Child – Filippino Lippi, c. 1475-1480

I do not understand how Mary survived the labor. Although given her hands, and the fact that she seems to be kneeling, maybe he gets his big-boned-ness from his mother. And the angel has a shrunken skull.

And now, for Animal Sacrifice Jesus.

Madonna Enthroned with Saints – Puccio di Simone and Allegretto Nuzi, c. 1354

At least the baby is not obviously deformed in this painting. However, upon closer inspection he appears to be choking a bird while wearing a tribal necklace.

Who’s a cute little animal mauler? YOU are! Yes you are!

These symbols appears in a number of works: the bird is a finch, to represent his future sacrifice, and the necklace is coral, to protect against evil. I guess he must have lost that necklace when, you know, he was later betrayed and murdered. Maybe it was because of his animal strangling hobby.

Sometimes, Baby Jesus is depicted as like someone I would not want to leave my own children alone with.

Madonna and Child – Domenico Veneziano, c. 1445/1450

He looks like he’s either going to have his way with all the women, or make you a terrible deal on a used car, all before he’s been potty trained.

Now, I leave you with this statue.

Madonna and Child with Two Angels - Verona, 14th Century

Mary and Clearly-Not-A-Baby Jesus will DEVOUR YOUR SOUL.

Sleep well!

Welcome to part two of the two-part series “Madonna and Baby Jesus” as found at the National Gallery of Art in DC. This time, it’s all about the entourage of onlookers. After all, when your hobby is standing around staring at a mother and baby all day, you’re probably a little eccentric. Once again, all of these images are available in high res at the gallery website.

Madonna and Child with Saint Jerome and Saint Bernardo of Siena – Benvenuto di Giovanni, c. 1480/1485

My first thought on seeing this was that it had an adorable little girl with Mary. However, my second observation on the full size version in person was Holy moly, look at St. Jerome’s luscious eyelashes!

Maybe he’s born with it….

I realize that I have trained myself to look for weird things, but seriously, they are way more defined than anyone else, including Mary. Did St. Jerome have a secret in his closet? Was his inclusion in the painting sponsored by Maybelline?

My third thought was that Jesus seems to have fallen in with the pipe plants from Super Mario Brothers at a very young age.

Pomegranates: Downfall of Italians since 1480

Moving on to other quirky saints…

Madonna and Child with Saint Anthony Abbot and Saint Sigismund – Neroccio de’ Landi, c. 1490/1495

Besides the fact that St. Sigismund looks like he belongs in the most flamboyant of the Hogwarts houses, the main reason this is here is because I love St. Anthony’s adorable pig.

There are various theories why St. Anthony was often depicted with pigs. Some legends have it that he was a swineherd before he became a saint. Maybe it’s a holy pig. Or an angel pig! It’s just keeping its wings hidden because if it were to fly, it would make a lot of uncreative swearers unhappy.

Some angels and saints just have better things to do than gawking at babies.

Madonna and Child with Saints and Angels – Bernardo Daddi, 1330s

Big entourage here. A lot of really ostentatious halos blocking the view for people in the back. Down front, a couple of angels desperately try to entertain their infant god…

Quick! How do you play the Teletubbies theme again?

…but he is far more interested in a bird someone is offering him, as he has a demonstrated interest in mauling small fowl with his bare baby fist.

I’m crushing your head!

But at least some of the crowd are making their own entertainment.

He he. Hehehe.

This lady is way more interested in tooting her own horn than in paying attention to babies. And from the snicker her friend is giving her, I assume she is just using it to make fart noises.

Finally, I leave you with this.

Madonna and Child with Angels – Sandro Botticelli (attributed), 1465/1470

Two observations:

Jesus has no neck.
Those angels would rather be doing anything else.

Holy crap…not ANOTHER diaper…

The Environmental Protection Agency: that bastion of protecting the land, water, and air, insofar as it is not more profitable to do otherwise. It turns out their building is pretty dramatic, too. It’s not so much green as it is “hulking stone.” Now you, too, can experience its wonder and majesty through the power of my crummy photography.

A series of faces lines the border of the building. Some of them seem to be related to crops, like this corn-lord….

With a face that says, if you try to turn me into high fructose corn syrup one more time, I will ram my cob up some orifices you will find unpleasant

Or his girlfriend, the Dame of Wheat.

Part Harvest Goddess, part Princess Leia, all vacant eyes that will steal your soul

Some of them are more concerned with animals. Here a man with epic facial hair wears a stylish lion hoodie.

Lions: No. 1 Animal Concern in the U.S.

Or this man, who is adorned with…I want to say an angry Bulbasaur.

Did you know that due to their popularity in bloodsports, the Pokemon is a highly endangered species?

There are more detailed vignettes adorning the top of the building, that almost invariably involve naked people using large animals as lounge chairs.

You can lounge naked on a bull.

Or on a horse. Perhaps you would enjoy having an eagle stroke your rod while doing so.

My personal favorite is this lady lounging on a hippocampus, a.k.a. mer-horse.

Note the creature’s shocked and indignant expression as she gently caresses his tail.

I say, madam! Some decency, please.

The dolphins are getting the heck out of dodge before things get out of hand.

The central image combines these elements and more: naked bull lounging, naked horse lounging, an eagle eying up a torch for nuzzling potential, a half-dressed lady ready to start some forest fires, and a naked male that is either a dwarf or an extremely well-developed young boy.

Perhaps the latter highlights the benefits of overconsumption of hormones in food and water?

Look at this statue and tell me what you see.

No sculptures were harmed in the making of this sculpture.

If you thought, “JESUS CHRIST! THOSE BABIES JUST BEHEADED A DUDE!!” then you are not alone.

It turns out that it is an allegorical representation of painting and sculpture, by Jean-Pierre-Antoine Tassaert, a Flemish sculptor well known for having far too many first names. The problem with allegorizing sculpture in a sculpture is that you can’t tell what is supposed to be the sculpture-in-sculpture. It doesn’t help that the product is not, say, a full human form, or even a bust. Who sculpts a decapitated head by itself?

That expression suggests the terror of one about to meet his maker. Although in this case, I suppose that’s not far off. I would be terrified to learn my maker was a kid with a hammer poised over my skull, too.

Jilted Hulk SMASH (NSFW)

Poke the Wound of Christ

It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 8

Awkward Baby Paintings: Ugly Renaissance Babies Edition

What This Painting Needs Is More Naked Ladies

It’s Raining Men

Jesus: He’s Back – And This Time, He’s Mad

It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 9

St. Bernard Milks It For All It's Worth

No Thanks, I Quit Drinking (Breastmilk)

Triumph of the Citrus Prince

Hungry Hungry Demigods

Sexy Ladies, Hallucinatory Babies, and Megalomaniacs with Feelers

Trouble in Paradise

A Gull(ible) Feast

Awkward American Portraits

Return of the Review: Now With More Creepy Babies

Return of the Review: Weirdos in the Wings Edition

Mythology of the EPA Building: Gods, Nudity, and Animal Furniture

Mini-Post: Allegory of the Cold-Blooded Murderbabies