Sarcastic Art Review Fun Time

This week I learned that automatonophobia is the fear of inanimate objects that represent humans. Thanks, Google!

In part three of the Europe travel notes, we look again at Oviedo Cathedral, and more specifically at a few of the statues around the place. First, St. Anthony.

This

We’ve looked at St. Anthony before, and the main reason he’s here is because I still love the adorable pig by his side.

Adorable but sad, as if he knows he’s just a thought away from being turned into bacon for his master.

I guess saintly animal companions were pretty popular. This guy has a stoned lion hanging out with him, which doubles as a book stand.

Next up: St. Leocadia.

The combination of her wild lightning bolts on a plate, combined with her creepy, slightly reptilian eyes, reminds me of one of the weeping angels from Doctor Who crossed with a rogue Pokémon.

Speaking of the Timelord, here is the Eleventh Doctor’s patron saint.

This is apparently the corner for people who crossed St. Leocadia, with shock and seizures being the result.

I am not sure who this guy is, but the demon he is walking over looks more annoyed than conquered.

Of course St. Peter gets a central statue spot.

The jaunty angle of his beehive hat, the gaping mouth, the crazed eyes looking in slightly different directions...he’s holding out the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven as if to say, “PLEASE TAKE THESE KEYS BECAUSE I DON’T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE.”

Finally for this installment, I present this lovely altar featuring the Holy Family.

There are a lot of statues of Mary holding Baby Jesus, maybe with a dove shooting laser beams over their heads to represent her Baby Daddy. I like this one, however, because Mary is on her own being glorified on top of a pile of children, while Joseph has been left with babysitting duties overhead.

He is holding that baby like he is not quite sure which way is up, and he definitely does not want to change the Holy Diaper.

This week I am departing from the official theme of this blog, because I was inspired to do something other than stare at the intricate details of medieval paintings of religious/tortured/naked people. So if you are one of those people who found this page by Googling “religious tortured naked people,” you can hit the back button right now.

When I was at the airport in Spain a few weeks ago, I poked around the Duty Free shop for a bit, looking for last-minute souvenirs. It was there I encountered Bad Toro goods.

Source

I instantly felt a connection with this adorable bull with attitude, but I was also filled with questions. What are his motivations? Why is he angry? Is he really bad, or is he just drawn that way?

When I got home I searched to see more of his story, but it turns out he is basically just the mascot for an extreme sports reporting site. This is pretty much his whole background:

“BADTORO is a noble but challenging looking pet that is characterized above all by his courage in facing challenges that may seem impossible to many. It represents not to hide from anything or anyone acting always with courage, respect and sincerity.”

Now, I have to take issue with this story, because there is no way Bad Toro is a pet. He is far too determined and free-spirited, taking no bull (so to speak) from anyone. I decided to plunge deeper to learn more of his personal passions and hobbies.

It seems Bad Toro loves culture. Sometimes he likes to get dressed up and go to the theatre. Unfortunately, the beginning and end of a production can be quite the test of his self-control, due to some traumatic incidents in his past.

The key to his “bad” attitude lies in the tragic loss of his one true love. Now, he will go to any lengths to stop the marauding race of murderous barbarians who would enslave, torture, and eat his kin.

He’s a bit of an International Toro of Mystery – in an effort to save his brothers, he has been known to disguise himself and infiltrate gatherings of matadors to learn their latest strategies.

Bad Toro does show courage in facing challenges that would seem impossible to many. He knows better than most that the stakes are high. He is indeed a noble creature, working for the freedom of bovinekind in memory of his sweet Bessita.

Thus concludes the Tale of Bad Toro. Our regularly scheduled program of creepy old paintings should be back next week.

P.S.: I have a newfound respect for people who regularly come up with content and illustrate their own blogs. This is way harder than making snarky comments about other people's work.

In a historic vote this week, either Scotland tried and failed to gain independence, or Scottish nationalists tried and failed to break up a venerable union. Depends on your perspective. In any case, the United Kingdom remains united, so on this occasion I present a representation of British determination in the past.

The Battle of Alexandria, 21 March 1801– Philip James de Loutherbourg, 1802 (Source)

So according to my diligent Wikipedia research, on March 21, 1801 the British fought the French while en route to Alexandria. As I am sure you would never have guessed from the painting title.

But I am not a historian. I just look at pictures and make snide comments. So let the snideness commence.

Fun fact: Scotsmen get a tassel on their sporran for every pub brawl they win.

Here is a Scottish soldier, pointing as if to say, “Should we no be goin’ intae that battle now?”

Leg injury, or latest European Leg Scarf fashion?

The commander, however, is injured, and looks either too drunk or too lethargic to make a move. Mr. Sassy behind him is not about to endorse any plan that might get blood splatters all over his good red coat. The guy with the spyglass is like, “Hmm…by jove, he’s right! There IS a battle going on!”

The Bobbsey Triplets are distinctly unimpressed.

There is further dissention within the ranks. These men angrily say, “This man is not to be trusted! He is both ginger and wearing a skirt!”

Of course, it was a terrifying event, and not everyone was smug. Some of them would rather nuzzle a horse’s bum than join the fray.

“I say, shall we sally forth?” “Quite so, sir!”

This is not to say that no one is keen to go fight. These two are riding out with all the gusto of gentlemen heading to the hunt.

The biggest question remains, however:

Uhh…guys?

Why is everyone in this little pow-wow ignoring the man spasming on the ground on top of a crate like three feet away? I mean, I understand that it’s a battle and there are dead people everywhere, but he seems to be flailing around as if to say, “Hello! I’m still alive here!” Or maybe he’s not injured, and he just tripped and fell while carrying the supplies?

In conclusion, throughout history there have always been things that bring people together to work for a common cause. Sometimes it is economic stability, and sometimes it is beating up the French.

Dear readers, Thanksgiving has come once again. That glorious day of the year when the whole family comes together to scarf down in half an hour a feast that took 15 hours to prepare, and then fall into a food coma in front of the TV. Thankful!

Previously for Thanksgiving I wrote about the Bean Feast by 17^th century Dutch painter Jan Steen. This year, I will write about a Bean Feast by 17^th century Flemish painter Jacob Jordaens, because apparently 17th century Bean Feasts were pretty wild affairs. Although Jacob Jordaens didn’t approve of drunkenness, and his version is like 200% creepier.

The Feast of the Bean King– Jacob Jordaens, 1640-1645 (Source)

So the first thing that catches the eye is this classy guy.

He cares enough about his own garments to keep his cap from falling into his own pool of bodily fluids, but no one seems to notice or really care that he is vomiting on that little girl’s dress. The woman next him is looking over in a sort of “Ha ha, oh Jan, you need to learn to hold your liquor” sort of way, but that’s about the only reaction.

Casting the eye up the way, we spot this amorous couple.

My first thought was “Oh my God, he is going to crush her jaw with his bare hand!” But she seems to be enjoying herself, so maybe Creepy Men With Face Mutilation Fetishes are her thing.

Behind them is this gentleman who seems unfamiliar with how to smoke a pipe.

To be fair, I have never smoked a pipe either, so perhaps I am unfamiliar with the mechanics. However, I feel like people I have seen with pipes usually do not have their heads thrown back, necks bulging, and chins puckered when they partake. Sherlock Holmes would be a much less picturesque character to illustrate with his cheeks puffed like a starving squirrel and eyes rolled back into the next postal code.

Other fun partygoers include Doghat McAngryface….

…And this man, who from a distance, I thought might be foaming at the mouth.

It turns out he’s just about to happily spit out all of his teeth. There are a lot of sloppily raised arms there, so it would not surprise me if he just got landed with a powerful uppercut with a pint glass.

Speaking of raised things, I’m sure this is meant to be a cut of meat, but it sure looks like he’s about to deep throat a spent balloon or other soggy elongated rubber tubular object. But whatever it is, he is going to swallow it with gusto.

Drawing attention back to the other side of the painting again, this mirror on the wall caught my eye. It’s got the back of the head of the woman looking over at the vomiting man in amusement, and the bonnet of the little old lady behind her. But also featured is….

THAT TERRIFYING FACE BEING STRANGLED. It looks like an even creepier version of that woman having her jaw crushed above, except that person is facing the same direction as the two women who have the backs of their heads reflected here. I guess the artist just really liked painting strangulation/face crushing, so physics be darned, he was painting it again. However, maybe it’s just me, but there is something about a ghostly disembodied head with a grotesque soulless smile over a murderous hand in the mirror without an obvious source that makes it extra terrifying.

In conclusion, 17^th century folks seemed to know how to have a rollicking feast. I think the figure I identify with most in this painting, though, is this guy.

“Sod off and leave me alone, you drunken hogs.” – Flemish Grumpy Cat

Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s been several weeks now since creepy naked babies have played a major role in this blog. I recently stumbled across the works of 15^th century Italian painter Andrea del Sarto, who provided more fodder for this category than I had ever imagined. I think that he must have had some kind of complex about children, because almost every one he painted looks ready to devour your soul, but he painted them ALL THE TIME. Like, maybe he killed a baby once and its ghost haunted him in revenge forever. That is the only explanation I can think of for these paintings.

This is one of the most normal ones.

The Holy Family with the Infant Saint John the Baptist, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1530 (Source)

This is a remarkably reasonable-looking baby Jesus. The main reason it stuck out to me was the slightly wicked smirk on his face as he grasps the globe of power in his chubby baby hands.

Yes, Baby God, the world is your plaything. But you don’t have to look so happy about toying with your human puppets.

Things get weirder.

The Holy Family with the Young Saint John the Baptist, Andrea del Sarto (Source)

This is the same general theme as the previous one. Except here, besides Mary having a head the size of a coconut, Young Saint John looks like he is about to cheerfully skewer Baby Jesus’ eyeball with his delicate cross-scepter.

Charity, Andrea del Sarto, before 1530 (Source)

THIS IS NOT THE FACE OF A NORMAL CHILD.

Seriously, what does this guy think of Charity?

Charity, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1518 (Source)

I am not sure if the one on the left wants to take some kindly offered breast-sustenance in exchange for some poor little bird he’s caught, or if he is going to devour her flesh. Also, this time the third kid at the bottom just cannot take this anymore. That poor woman looks like she needs a week’s sleep, and possibly a fifth of vodka.

Madonna with the Harpies, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1517 (Source)

PUT THE BABY DOWN, MARY! RUN BEFORE HE GETS YOUR THROAT!!

Also, I am concerned for this creature.

Its expression is a recurring theme.

Madonna and Child with Saint Elizabeth, the Infant Saint John, and Two Angels, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1515-1516 (Source)

What kind of freaky adolescent angel makeout session is going on right over Mary and Baby’s heads??

I’ve heard of divine ecstasy, but this is not what I had envisioned.

I leave you with this.

Mystical Marriage of St. Catherine, Andrea del Sarto, c. 1513 (Source)

Besides the uncomfortable implications of mystically marrying baby-version Jesus, the dull, empty eye sockets of all the small people in this painting remind me uncomfortably of ghouls in Japanese horror movies. And that’s before even considering this ginger baby strangling a lamb with a grin, with some deformed dog-dragon thing without eyes desperately panting for a taste.

I should really stop writing these before bed.

Dear readers, with December upon us I thought I would turn to a nice, soothing winter scene. Maybe some partridges, maybe some pear trees, perhaps some people frolicking in the snow. I fired up Wikimedia and boldly typed in “paintings of winter.”

The first three subcategories it listed were “Paintings of allegories of winter,” “Winter landscape paintings,” and “Massacre of the Innocents by Pieter Bruegel the Elder.”

Guess which one I had to bring up?

Massacre of the Innocents– Pieter Bruegel the Elder, 1565-1567 (Source)

At a glance, this is way tamer than some of the other stuff he painted. As by far the most interesting result in the winter paintings category search, however, it deserves a look here.

This cartoonish figure is ready to bust down some doors, which I assume he found by kicking every three feet down the line of the brick wall given that his hat is completely covering his eyes. Fashion provided by Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean costume department, specifically the designer who had a love affair with sliced watermelons.

All of the horses look like they have been put in Time Out, with their heads sullenly against the trees. I guess the only way to tie up a horse was to staple its ears to a tree trunk?

Here are some guys violently murdering turkeys with pikes. So it’s like Thanksgiving, only much more pleasant for the turkeys. The guy killing a pig (?) with his backside toward the viewer has the most awesome leggings ever. Meanwhile women desperately struggle over jars and weep over nicely wrapped parcels.

This lady seems to be praying over the contents of her larder.

And this poor kid is having a bad day, being dragged from the house in the snow with a dislocated shoulder and no pants.

This is actually the most telling bit about the scene. It turns out that this isn’t just a raid of a town for dry goods and livestock by men who have an impressive rap sheet with the fashion police. The massacre of the innocents refers to the Bible story where Herod hears about baby Jesus’ birth, so he orders that all children should be murdered.

Flemish Pieter here decided to tell this story in a context his viewers could understand, so he depicted all of the murderers as Spaniards and Germans. Because even in the 16^th century, when you asked someone “Who would commit the worst atrocity you can imagine?” the first answer that sprang to mind was “Flamboyant Tights-Wearing Hitler.”

What this amounts to is that all of the turkeys and livestock and kitchen goods in the painting were originally dead babies. At some point its owner decided that perhaps this was not the most appetizing scene to have hanging in the dining room, or bedroom, or anywhere, so he had all the tiny corpses painted over into a more palatable scene of pillaging.

So really, I take back what I said before about this being one of the artist’s tamer paintings. People could handle his images of lobster monsters, or bird-lizards ripping their own stomachs open to spawn, but a modernized Gospel scene was considered too gruesome.

Christmas is creeping ever closer. As is Hanukkah. And possibly Kwanzaa. Heck, the grocery store is stocking Valentine’s Day goods. The point is, whatever tradition floats your boat, odds are this time of year is for celebration!

But you know who enjoys the season the most? Children. Primarily because they get lots of loot. This week we look at the children of the Buderus family.

Die Kinder der Familie Buderus (Source)

This was apparently on the cover of a book of German Christmas stories. Such happy youth, frolicking with their new toys!

Well, I’m not sure if that’s joyous frolicking so much as trying to kill her sister with her eyes. There is NO WAY Helga is getting her dirty hands all over Gudrun’s new doll.

To be fair, Helga seems quite able to hold her own in a staring contest. Her eyes are like a soul vacuum. No one has looked directly into her gaze and remained sane.

Case in point: young Gunther.

Once he was the brightest star in kindergarten. Then he crossed his sister over the last sweetie. Now he thinks he is a dachshund.

Side note: is that some kind of whip or crop lying around on the ground? That might provide further explanation of the personality disorders which I am making up as I go along here.

Possible bondage equipment aside, these are the actual toys under the tree.

A faceless arm points from above, directing a giant clownish man with a face straight out of nightmares to go Godzilla on a peaceful toy village. Wooden soldiers march to their doom before the puppet menace, bodies littering the ground. While this is the kind of scene I would definitely set up under my own tree, I would not entirely expect it from two young girls and the host of an alien brain parasite. But maybe this is a traditional scene from a typical happy German family. Looking at Helga again, it's actually not very surprising at all. Frohe Weihnachten!

For children around the US, the countdown is on until a large bearded man breaks into their homes late at night, and miraculously their parents don’t try to stand their ground. This man steals baked goods and cow juice in exchange for toys that look suspiciously like the sale offerings at Target. Whether they are based at the North Pole or his subsidiary plants in China, his elves have been slaving away, while he himself only stirs from his home office once a year (although he’s been spotted at shopping malls inviting every child he sees to sit on his lap and tell him their deepest, darkest desires). His name and background story change slightly in other countries, almost as if he’s got something to hide. But who is this man, just a keyboard slip away from Satan?

Someone I don’t want anywhere near my purely hypothetical offspring, that’s who.

(Source)

Blood-red lips and rouged cheeks peek out from a curtain of dirty white, eyes slightly uneven as he clutches a beaded handbag possibly stolen from the Missus’ closet. “Have this lovely dolly I made just for you, Sally!” he says, parroting the words whispered into his ear by the tiny goblin on his shoulder.

(Source)

This version looks more like a garden gnome that is cheerfully kidnapping your child. “Ha ha ha, let’s go, Billy! I will take you to a place full of candy! Of course your parents won’t mind!”

(Source)

I am not sure whether this is Santa or the offspring of Jabba the Hutt and a grizzly bear.

(Source)

Wes Craven's next smash hit.

(Source)

Pretty sure this was the model for all caricatures of 19^th century robber barons.

(Source)

The Grinch, age 80.

(Source)

Remember that one year Santa was sick, so Saruman filled in?

(Source)

Turn-of-the-century Santa did not limit his offering of delight to children.

(Source)

He apparently experimented for a while with being a gangster pimp. Must have been something in the tobacco of the early 20^th century.

(Source)

But by the 40s, he was back in the spirit of giving, in the form of bullets.

(Source)

Toys for the boys! Seriously, WWII Santa was terrifying.

Fortunately, that horror is over, and we are back to good, clean fun from old St. Nick.

(Source: Ralf Roletschek)

The children will be so excited!

Answer: a good, sharp sword.

In the Book of Judith, Judith is a hot widow who wants to save Israel from the Assyrians. So, she cozies up to the powerful Assyrian general Holofernes, who really wants to tap her Lord-Enhanced Loveliness. When she finally agrees to party with him one night, he gets super drunk and passes out, and she takes the opportunity to behead him. Really, it’s a lot like the story of Samson and Delilah, except the powerful idiot who can’t keep it in his pants is considered a villain, and the lady trying to murder him is the hero. Also, Judith was intelligent enough to realize that 99% of the time, beheading is more effective for permanently stopping someone than tying the guy up with bowstrings.

The Judith-Beheading-Holofernes story was apparently quite popular in art for many years. Of the ones I’ve found, this one by Caravaggio is my favorite, for the sole reason that they all have fantastic facial expressions.

Judith Beheading Holofernes, Caravaggio, c. 1598-99 (Source)

First, the beheadee:

That is certainly an appropriate face to have while being beheaded, although I thought he was supposed to be unconscious, which was how this whole thing came about. I guess his neck looks to be sort of three quarters severed at that point, which probably took a few whacks, so maybe he woke up when he had been liberated of a few tendons?

Also note the spurting blood that resembles party streamers bursting from a horrible piñata.

Judith's expression is even better, holding the head at arm’s length and looking a bit grossed out by the whole prospect, like a Jane Austen heroine tasked with pig-slaughtering duty.

But the person most excited in this scene is Judith’s servant.

This little old lady is ready to go with her head-transportation sack, fists clenched with anticipation, saying “Yes yes yesyesYESYES MURDER THAT #@$@# REAL GOOD!!”

After last week’s exploration in the comments section of the fashion concerns surrounding wearing white while beheading someone, I stumbled across this other depiction of Judith.

It just goes to show that a smattering of blood can really make a statement in an otherwise drab ensemble. The delicate splatters on the arms show that she was involved in the chopping, but just enough to accent - not so much as to get any icky gore stuck anywhere, as that would be gauche. And I would note that the servant lady-man looks at least as intense now that the head is in hand as s/he did during the act.

This discovery was more than another take on the Judith story, however. It is featured on the website Christian Image Source, which features a plethora of “free Christian images to use in almost any way you wish.” That seemed like too good an offer to pass up.

There are many categories of images listed, but the one that caught my eye was “Women of the Bible.” Because other Bible images are very masculine, and so the discerning lady looking for Biblical art inspiration on characters to emulate would want a separate, one-stop shop. So let’s take a look!

Lydia

I have to confess that I did not remember who “Lydia” was, beyond a vague impression that she was a character in the film “Beetlejuice.” It turns out that in the Book of Acts, a woman named Lydia was so inspired by the words of Paul, that she invited him and his pals to her house to stay. What puzzles me here is that the only other description of this lady seems to be that she was “a seller of purple fabrics,” which is a detail that would have been easily indicated given the quantity of drapery in her house and on her person. I am left to assume that she had a rule against using her own product.

Anyway, here she is, inviting the viewer in with an expression that does not strike me as entirely pure and pious, if you get my drift.

Moving on, we turn to Jephthah’s daughter, a woman of the bible so important that she doesn’t get a name of her own.

Jephthah's Daughter

The story goes that Jephthah makes a vow to God that if he wins a particular battle, then the first thing that comes out of his house to greet him afterwards, he will burn as an offering to The Lord. Because nothing could go wrong with that kind of vow. Lo and behold, he wins the battle, and when he gets home his daughter comes out to greet him, so he murders – I mean, sacrifices her. That’s it for Jephthah’s daughter in terms of story. I am not sure how that is reflected in this image. Is that how she came out to greet her father after battle? In which case, there might be other issues at hand. Maybe her name was Electra?

Right, let’s go back to the New Testament, where surely purity must abound.

The Samaritan Woman

Ahh, the woman at the well. This is one of the most memorable stories in the Bible for me because of a lecture I attended at a prominent Divinity school, and I am not making this up, where the guest lecturer went on for at least 20 minutes on the topic of why the story of the Samaritan Woman at the Well was about a sexual proposition.

“Jesus says he would give her LIVING WATER,” the lecturer observed. “This is CLEARLY HIS SEMEN.” Watching respected Biblical scholars attempt to reason with this man was one of the most entertaining incidents of my academic life, because his response to every comment was “She says that the WELL IS DEEP. But he has NO BUCKET.”

Anyway, nice cleavage, Samaritan lady.

Ok, fine. The Samaritan lady is supposed to be a bit risqué, with her long list of past or present sugar daddies. Surely someone like a widow, mourning the death of her only son, will be a paragon of weeping and modest dishevelment.

The Widow of Nain

Oh, come ON.

How about Mary Magdalene, arguably one of the most important of Christ’s followers?

Mary Magdalene

Just your casual scripture-reading garb.

So basically, what we have learned is that to many more modern artists, all of the ladies of the Bible are sexy vixens with mean come-hither looks. Perhaps women looking at these images are supposed to be inspired? Or male viewers are meant to “appreciate” the women of the Bible more? I know the site says the images can be used "in almost any way you wish," but there are some uses I just don't want to associate with Biblical contemplation. Anyway, I can’t wait to see how tantalizing they make Delilah, one of the greatest seductresses of the Old Testament…

Delilah

Oh baby.

Some time ago, this image on Ugly Renaissance Babiescaught my eye:

I love this picture. These are the most epic babies I have ever seen. The one in the middle will claw out your liver without a second thought. His friend on the right is pleading with his eyes that you’ll just drop it so Baby 1 doesn’t lose it again, because he is sick of cleaning up the blood. Baby 3 is seeing his life flash before his eyes, right before his intestines do in a Mortal Kombat-esque finishing move.

But I wondered: what IS this painting? What is happening in the rest of it? Does it all ooze as much drama as these little guys?

It turns out this snippet is a part of “The Intervention of the Sabine Women,” and it is every bit as action-packed.

The Intervention of the Sabine Women– Jacques-Louis David, 1799 (Source 1 2)

The story goes that the Romans went and abducted some Sabine women, so the Sabines went and tried to get them back, and here the Sabine women are trying to stop the violence. This lady is either trying to intervene, or finish her yoga session.

I think this lady is welcoming the opportunity to be invaded.

Fortunately for her, the warriors came with the latest in practical battlewear.

Of course, some people seem less interested in the warriors than they are in absconding naked with a horse.

It is perhaps worth noting that this painting is apparently intended to reflect the artist’s hope for the people of France to reconcile after the Revolution. Which I think speaks volumes: nothing says post-revolution France like well-oiled nude men with spears, ravaged women, and a deep affection for Mister Ed.

Sometimes, you just feel tired and worn out. Like the universe has given you as much as you can handle, and then some.

Source: David Castor

Take Mary here. She's like, "I didn't ask for a baby. I didn't even do anything to warrant a baby coming to be. And now I have this baby and it has strained my marriage, complicated my sexuality, and caused me to flee to another country. But he will not take my last solace. HE CANNOT HAVE MY LAST DRUMSTICK."

“Allegory:” I believe this is a code word artists use for their work when they got drunk one night and painted the first thing that came into their heads/sculpted something horrific/trashed some furniture and had to explain it to their roommate.

This pair of paintings by Italian artist Lorenzo Lotto does little to persuade me otherwise.

First: The Allegory of Virtue and Vice.

Allegory of Virtue and Vice – Lorenzo Lotto, 1505

So, if you live a life of vice, you might die in a shipwreck, but you will have had so much wine that you will not care. You get a lush field of grass to recline in, fresh grapes, and when you have to vomit, you get a bucket made of solid gold.

If you live a life of virtue, you will crawl around in a barren wasteland of dirt and rocks naked, striving to do something useful with your meagre means.

Ultimately a colony of bats will seize you and dump you into what appears to be an erupting volcano.

The Allegory of Chastity is even simpler.

Allegory of Chastity – Lorenzo Lotto, c. 1505

On close inspection, I assume he’s supposed to be scattering flowers over her pure form. But my first impression at a glance was: Living a chaste life is like getting pissed on by a smug cherub.

Not sure this is supposed to be the take-away message. Moral lessons were never my strong point.

All images are from the National Gallery of Art.

So the other day, I said to myself, “You know, self, you haven’t reviewed a freaky painting of hellish torture in ages.”

So then, because I hadn’t had any nightmares in a while, I looked up some Hieronymus Bosch paintings. In the end, however, it was this copy of a painting of the Last Judgment by German Renaissance painter Lucas Cranach the Elder (modeled after Bosch) that jumped out at me as being particularly special. As the post title subtly suggests, it’s also not for the faint of heart, so to give those who don’t appreciate images of people impaled on trees and dancing demon heads a chance to leave, here is a picture of an adorable hedgehog with a raspberry.

Source

Have we gotten rid of all the people who prefer tastefulness and a balanced mental state? Good. Here we go.

The Last Judgment – Lucas Cranach the Elder, c. 1524 (Source)

Ok, so there is a lot going on here. Way too much here to look at every detail, so we’ll just look at some highlights.

First off, here is Jesus, busy judging people.

But the disciples are more interesting, huddling and covering their faces in terror. The guy on the right gestures to the scene below and says to his companion, “Good heavens, I knew judgment would be rough, but I didn’t realize it would involve scimitar-wielding demons wearing laundry baskets and UGG boots!”

Really, Mr. Scimitar Laundry Basket is the least of the sinful soul’s worries at the end times. After all, you might be trussed up like a pig, shot with an arrow by an anthropomorphic platypus, and hauled off to be roasted as the supper of two heads with feet but no torsos, arms, or legs.

One of them looks like it really wants to be a thief in a role-playing game, and the other is turning up to Hell’s Butterfly Cosplay Contest straight from his job as a demonic chimneysweep.

Of course, for the gluttons, judgment has a perpetual stream of piss funneled from a barrel directly into your mouth. So pretty much like a beer bong of Bud Light. For the more refined taste, in the back a lady-demon is juicing a person into tasty Blood Wine. Also, a soulless head wearing a helmet rides a booted seal to steal a plate of lizards. Because JUDGMENT.

Not everything is terrible in the end times. You might just meet some fun folks.

Like this lady, flirting with that attractive lizard man to the dulcet sounds of a monkey on a mandolin and a demon with a very flexible neck tooting his own horn, so to speak. Another naked person reclines on a platform, getting a massage. I’m not sure about the head with lizard feet and tail, a hat stolen from the seven dwarves, and out-of-control ear gauges. He doesn’t seem to approve of the music.

Not all mandolin-players are friendly towards amorous couples, however. This creature, who gets arms but no head for a change, successfully interrupts sexy fun times with a more sinister impaling. Meanwhile, a man simultaneously gets his arm sawed off and tickled by bird tongue in the armpit, all while skewered on a tree which may or may not be on fire. Also, in the back, a remarkably calm-looking man in a skillet gets fried up for brunch. This is presumably to feed all the demons, who will be hungry after a hard morning of torturing souls.

Other creatures that are hungry? This lion-hat, swallowing a fish whole. If lion hats are not your style, you might consider a stork helmet, or the popular Blindfolded Decapitated Head on a Plate look. To be sure to be classified as a Hell Fashionista, all should be accentuated with a roadkill frog on a shield.

Another stylish accessory option is to get Viserys’ Crown Treatment from the Creepy Blue Babushka Jewelers.

Other exciting activities during the judgment include a delightful Hell-light Gallows Whale Cruise, which offers fantastic views of the festivities….

…Or getting fitted with the latest Horseshoes for Humans. Which I guess are just shoes. Except hammered into your heels. Also, you can get a new torso smelted, or the popular Butthole Enlargement with a Hot Spike treatment.

Still, all of these involve a lot of work on the part of the demons. Isn’t there some way of punishing people with minimal effort on the part of Hell’s Hordes?

Welcome to the People Pulverizer 3000! Powered by enslaved souls running in hamster wheels lined with spikes, just feed other souls into the funnel, and quickly and easily grind them into convenient Sinner Pulp. Excellent for hippies who enjoy recycling and making sure to use every part of the sinner.

I leave you with the image that caught my eye first:

I know that the book of Revelation mentions dragons and three unclean spirits like frogs that appear, but must have missed the part where a suicidal firebreathing lizard slices open its own neck while hissing at a man drowning in a barrel full of blood and frogs.

On that note, have a great weekend!

So, uh…I kind of let this series die. Much like Marie let her husband die hours after her coronation. But now I am coming at it with the Defibrillator of Derision, to resuscitate the wonder that is the hubris of Marie de’ Medici. For the earlier installments, see here.

So, the last time we checked in with the Queen of Hearts (Which May or May Not Be Stabbed), she had just taken the reins from her suddenly deceased husband. Eagles shot lightning, snakes breathed fire, and bare-bosomed personifications of France frolicked.

The next painting, “Council of the Gods,” does not actually feature Marie. Although with a title like that, doubtless Marie would have thought she fit right in.

Instead, it focuses on the Greek gods, lounging around and chatting in various states of undress. I think more councils should take this policy. I mean, they tell you in public speaking to envision everyone in the audience naked – imagine how much more confidence everyone would have if it were true!

The exception to the happy lounging theme here is over on the right, with these miserable-looking fellows being run out of town.

According to the oracle that is Wikipedia, these represent “vices such as Discord, Hate, Fury, and Envy” who are being "overcome" by Apollo and Pallas. Frankly, I don’t know why they look so afraid of their attackers. After all, they are armed with torches and snakes, which seem like they would be far more effective at such short range than their assailants’ weapons.

Apollo comes at them with a bow, looking more like he’s offering it to them than attacking them. I must observe that for the god of the sun, he is EXTREMELY pale. I guess in his line of work he uses SPF 1,000,000? Also, at first glance I thought that Pallas’ weapon of choice here was a wildly brandished mop.

Meanwhile, Venus tries to distract Mars with the promise of sexytime with the goddess of love and beauty, but we can all see to which glowing, nude figure Mars’ gaze is drawn.

So yeah, this one is considered “one of the least understood” paintings in the Marie de’ Medici cycle, presumably because it does not feature Marie de’ Medici.

This flaw is fixed in the next painting.

In “The Regent Militant: The Victory at Jülich,” there is no doubt left to the imagination as to who is the most important person in the universe. She’s all like, “I am the QUEEN of FRANCE, bitches.”

Unfortunately she is mistaken in her choice of terminology, because of course that is not a female dog in her entourage, but rather a male lion. And frankly, I am far more impressed by the somewhat demure lady patting the lion than I am by the queen on her horse. If there is one thing we have learned from art, it is that being saddled up will not protect you from an attack of big cats.

The last detail I’ll observe here is this guy, playing a horn:

The Wikipedia description says that “Fame in the right side of the painting pushes air through the trumpet so powerfully that a burst of smoke comes out.” I take this to mean that her fame, like most, was primarily blowing smoke.

All images found here.

The Nativity is one of those things that gets painted a lot. Key elements usually include Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph (maybe – as foster dad, he’s kind of ignored sometimes), and some combination of wise men, shepherds, angels, or animals.

The Nativity – Perino del Vaga, 1534

As far as paintings of the nativity go, I quite like this one by Perino del Vaga. It’s full of motion without being too busy, the figures are smooth, and there is lots of pretty color. However, it takes a bit of a creative perspective of who was at the birth of Jesus.

First off, we have Adult John the Baptist. Baby John the Baptist is often pictured with Baby Jesus, or the adult versions of both, but the adult-baby combo is less common. St. John was known for going around wearing a garment of camel’s hair, often worn as a symbol of mourning or penance, and generally thought to be pretty uncomfortable. Del Vaga’s St. John seems to prefer a silk ensemble with mink lining.

But he’s got nothing on this guy.

I’m not immediately positive who this is supposed to be, so we’ll call him St. Flamboyant. I think his raiment was designed to be visible from space. He seems to be pointing and commenting snidely to his companion at the lack of finery of one of the other attendants of Young Christ: St. Target Practice.

This is St. Sebastian. Wikipedia’s sidebar information on him has a list of his Attributes: “Tied to a post, pillar or a tree, shot by arrows, clubbed to death.” This could also be a list of “Things I would not like to be remembered for.” He seems pretty spry for someone with half a dozen arrow punctures oozing lifeblood everywhere, though. Side note: in a delightful bit of Catholic irony, he is also the patron saint of archers.

The best part of this painting, though, is baby Jesus himself.

I can’t tell whether he is having a seizure, or if he is an exceptionally young prodigy of the disgusted eyeroll normally not perfected until the teenage years. It's as if he's saying, "Just stop adoring me and leave me alone already. This is so EMBARRASSING."

Another nativity quickie:

The Adoration of the Shepherds – Giovanni Girolamo Savoldo, 1530s

My main concern with this one is that these shepherds don’t look to be adoring him so much as huddling around him for warmth. I do not know much about babies, but I am pretty sure if they are glowing and radiating enough heat to warm your hands, you should probably be taking them to the doctor.

Also, the little vignette in the background where the angel appears to the shepherds to say “Oy! Go see this baby!” kind of looks like heaven is about to rain divine fire or lasers down on these unsuspecting people.

Fortunately after pissing themselves in fear, there is a cracklin' baby fire waiting for them to dry off.

Another quick one this week. Many moons ago I brought to you the touching image of Jesus bringing pizza to souls stuck in limbo. Well, it turns out that picture was a part of a series of paintings on Jesus’ life, post-life, and after-life shenanigans. And apparently besides flattening Satan with a garage door, his hobbies included squashing people with giant marble slabs.

The Resurrection– Benvenuto di Giovanni, c. 1491 (Source)

Now, I guess I missed the part of the resurrection story where, upon Jesus’ triumphant return from kicking demonic booty, he murders a legion of Roman soldiers standing guard around his tomb.

The little-known fate of Naughtius Maximus, Sillius Soddus, and Biggus Dickus.

Random aside – I was unaware that Roman swords were designed for giants. What is that on the purple guy’s pommel, an apple? I don’t think he could grip it even if his arm weren’t on backwards.

Anyway, I think that Mary and the other ladies might have had more to say about their tomb visit if they had to reach it by picking their way across a field of broken bodies, limbs dangling in all directions. “Hey guys! Disciples! Jesus is back – AND THIS TIME HE’S PISSED OFF!!”

He looks a bit tired, with some 72-hours-in-hell shadow, but still more than badass enough to take on half a dozen soldiers, armed only with a high-end kitchen counter.

One day, I was walking by Lafayette Square near the White House. There were a number of statues scattered around. Statues are fairly ubiquitous in the area, usually featuring slightly pompous, noble-looking men, sometimes with naked ladies and/or eagles. So I didn’t pay them much mind as I strolled, until I glanced up and realized these particular statues offered so much more.

Like this one. “Commemoration,” it says. It raises a number of questions. Commemoration of what? The time that dude with the flowing locks and bulging pecs engaged in bondage play with the young, nubile pool boy under the trees? Isthat a man? Or is it a woman with a steroid problem?

Here we have a badass lady, who is clothed for once. She is accompanied by an eagle who is clearly trying to cop a feel. However, this is one bird who knows how to handle her birds, as she says, “Touch my ass ONE MORE TIME and I will liberate your head from your neck.”

Finally, this was the one that first caught my eye. Unfortunately it also had the worst lighting, but you get the idea.

Now, I have never been in the military, but I confess that I had a slightly different mental image of what Military Instruction entails. This seems to be a man saying, “All right, boy. Take all your clothes off and get over here, so I can show you how to handle your sword.”

I imagine the sculptor had submitted this design as a sarcastic joke, and then someone in the commissioning committee was like, “YES! This is exactly how to encapsulate the raw intimacy of teaching military skill, and the rush of learning to thrust your weapon into another man!” And thus art was made.

Happy Labor Day weekend! I thought that for the occasion I would feature some early union/anti-union posters, but had a hard time finding quite what I was looking for. In the process of searching, though, I found the following. Let us observe a snapshot of the socialism/capitalism debate a century ago.

First up: an industrial unionist poster from 1911.

(Source)

The Pyramid of the Capitalist System! Look at those hard workers at the bottom there. Do you know how difficult it is to frolick so delicately with a hammer?

Of course, some people are just idle layabouts.

So what if you’re 8 years old? That’s no excuse for passing out after a measly 10 hour day at the mill! Look, your laziness is making that other little girl support society with a shovel.

Somewhat ironically, the “Eating” class doesn’t have any food on the table. Plenty of booze, though. The shooting people look more equipped for stabbing would-be social climbers than shooting anything – I’m not sure about the effectiveness of a cannon at the necessary angle.

Interestingly, there is an equal number of religious charlatans and rulers (darned trinitarianism!), so in this case the lower tier has more luxurious space. Cooler capes and robes, too.

Ok. Good effort, socialist unionist propaganda. But you have made a critical error. This poster expects the viewer to take in, like, five whole categories of societal representation. And it has over two dozen words. You have greatly overestimated the attention span of the population.

1909 Conservative Party poster, show us how it is done.

(Source)

Socialism is a DEMON MONKEY FROM HELL that will STRANGLE THE WOMEN. The end.

European Adventures Part III: An Automatonophobe's Nightmare

And Now For Something Completely Different

You Don’t Know (Union) Jack

Thanksgiving Post: The Bean Feast, a.k.a. Drunken Old-Timey Frat Party

Revenge of the Babies

A Kinder, Gentler Winter Scene

All the Little Children

Santa Claus Is Coming (To Your Nightmares)

How To Get A Head In Life

Biblical Pinup Girls

Stop! In the Name of Love (and a Horse)

Mini-Post: Allegory for a Long Week

Allegorical Double-Bill: The Agony, the Ecstasy, and Divine Hazing

Judgment Day: Drug-Addled Torture Porn for Renaissance Germans

It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 10

The Nativity feat. St. Pincushion & the Fashionistas

Mini-Post: Toasty Baby Furnace

He’s Baaaaaaaack

DC Art: Commemorating Military Instruction (And Bird Molestation)

Point/Counterpoint: Economic Systems Edition